29 Days

That's it. I only have 29 days more to my first Ironman attempt in Ironman Western Australia on Dec 9th 2012.  Truth be told.  I don't feel ready for it physically.  I am much fatter now at this exact time NOW, than at this time last year.  Mentally I think I can force myself to get through it.  But we all know how strict Ironman is and every leg's cut off is final. This is not Uncle Chan's race. You don't get second chances.

Why did I even register for it in the first place?

Especially when I had just survived a bike crash in Laguna Phuket Triathlon and didn't get to start in Ironman 70.3 Phuket seven days later. But I did. I had just come back to KL.  IMWA had just concluded (for 2011) and the burning desire to complete a damn Ironman (whether 70.3 or full 140.6) was so overwhelming. So I registered.  Thinking I have a whole year to train for it.  No worries.

Fast forward almost a year later now.  And I'm still nowhere near ready.  Why do I say this?  Despite the confidence that I could possibly hack it, I still feel challenged in terms of timing.   In all my races, I always just scrape through.  I'm not fast. I have never been fast.

Or is it my damn bloody defiant ego.  I want so badly to be able to pull this off within two years from when I first started.  My first ever race was the 7.7km run in Feb 2010's PNM. By Dec the same year, I did my first full marathon. 6 months later, I had done 8 full marathons and attempted my first 100k ultra marathon.  6 months after that, I had completely dropped running races and concentrated on triathlons.  I've done more triathlons than marathons and yet my swimbikerun timing still sucks.  For the simple fact that I suck. Only with Steve's coaching that I finally fixed my catch and pull.  And now I'm struggling to fix my bike timing. 

We all have dreams right? To run the prestigious Boston marathon, to climb Mount Everest, to survive Badwater Ultramarathon, bla bla bla.    None of those are mine, by the way.  As I don't have a bucket list.  I just make it up as I go along.  Up till the past 2 years, I never knew what it was like to be able to run that far or swim and then bike and THEN run that far.   I guess that's why I named my blog as Chasing Dreams.  Someone said dreaming is free. He is right.   But this is the one thing that gives me structure in life. 

For once I KNOW what I really want. For once I know what I am capable of. For once I am living MY LIFE and not just rolling in the shadows, fulfilling what my family wants for me and just going through the cycle of life. I DON'T want to just get married, make babies, have a huge mortgage that will follow me to the grave and sitting around waiting for something to happen. I want it to happen. I'm going to make it happen.

Yes. I do wonder what the hell am I doing all this for? Particularly when I don't have anyone to be proud of me. It's not like I have a mum or dad to seek approval from. I do get envious when I see friend's and their families who are ever so supportive. I will never have that.  So why do I want to do this for?

Because it is the one thing that makes me feel I am worth it.  That life is worth living. Friends. I thank each one of you who are still here for me and have my back.  I don't have many left. I know it's my fault. It's all too easy for me to just delete you and disappear.  This is me. When I don't feel wanted anymore, I just pack up and disappear.   I still feel all alone. But being accustomed to loneliness and the darkness is what gets me through all my 100k races alone.  I will draw on this to make it through Ironman. 17 hours is a long day. But I've been out there for 34 hours 41mins.  I know what is a realllllyyyyyyy long day. I still haven't figured out what God's plans are for me. But I know as long as I cling on to Him and to every single shred of hope,  it will be worth it.

Life. Will be worth it.

Pink's latest song "Try"

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTCDVfMz15M

31... Alive and Kicking...

I turn 31 on Jan 14th. How did that small little girl grow up to be so demented, disturbed, troubled and psychotic?  I can't explain.  What's the point.  I'm usually very excited during this time of the year cos I like birthdays.  But this year.... it's just not the same.  Probably because I'm still injured and feeling very low.  And taking too long to recover. Yuck.

I don't know how old was I in that picture.  Here's another one.

 

 

I don't have many childhood pictures that are still there physically.  Cos one day I went berserk and burnt all my photos.  So much for trying to erase myself.  I'm still here.  Demmit.

 

This picture was from Form 3. I was 15.

I can't remember about this one. I think I should have been 17 by then. I think.

Ahhh... one of the peak stages of my fatness. I don't remember how heavy I was in this picture.  But my heaviest was 91kg.  Just about 3 years ago.

I do miss Jia and Rizal.  Probably cos they were one of the few friends who accepted me when I was so fat.

This was the lowest weight I have ever been since peaking at 91kg.   This was 63.8kg on 25th Nov 2011.  Just a day before I crashed the bike and put on 3 kilos since then cos I can't exercise due to the head injury sustained.

I've always been a slow learner.  It takes me some time to understanding something. Last year was probably the craziest year ever for me. Last year I had the best job in the world.  My boss and teammates were not based here with me. So I took the opportunity and chased 9 full marathons, two 100k's and 9 triathlons,  not including Powerman and other smaller distance running events in between.  I even tried to go up Mount Kinabalu in 3.5 hours for that Climbathon thing.  I've never even been up that mountain on a leisure basis.  I did so much last year, it's really psychotic.  But overall I think I did okay for a fat girl.

But as I turn 31 tomorrow and 2012 just started with me being jobless, hmm... what's in store for this year? I'm aiming for an Ironman Western Australia finish in Dec.  I don't know if I will make it. But I always start out races like this. Now knowing if I will. I just know I will be more satisfied knowing I tried.  Instead of being on the sidelines and wondering if I can.  But then most, if not all,  female metal monkeys are like this. Let's try everything at least once.  Can't find a party? Make your own.

To each one of you who've been so patient as my friend, congrats to you for surviving another crazy year with me!  :D    Hahaha.... Here's to 2012.  I look forward to finding out what else is in store!

What do I do?

A month has passed.  Why do I not feel any better? Why is my head still spinning? Why do I tumble when I'd just woken up? Why does my back, nape of my neck and shoulder ache like hell? Why does my left ankle hurt like hell? Why does my right knee not bend or raise as high as I used to be able to? Why do I always feel tired?  It's already a whole month.

I had to deactivate my facebook.  I don't want to find myself writing how I really feel on facebook.  I don't need anyone to read and comment that I'm making drama.  I would not wish for the same thing to happen to you just so you know how it feels.  But there's already enough fakeness in the cyber world. I'm not going to pretend everything is okay when it's not.  I don't feel like my body is healing at all.

Maybe progress is slow cos I still ran on Patong a few days after crashing just to find out if I can withstand the pain for Ironman70.3.   That's the thing.  I could.  But maybe the drugs that the Thai doctors gave were alot more helpful. I can't seem to get those drugs here. I only got them for 10 days when I first crashed in Phuket and that's it.  Here I was only prescribed meds for my brain recovery.  What about my body???  I calculated again and realised I was actually unconcious for more than 3 hours, not 1 hour. No wonder looters stole from me. He/She thought I had died.

I'm sick of the word REST. I'm not getting any better.  People look at me and think I'm fine. Yes. I look fine. But I'm khayal all the time. When the hell can I swim again? I can't even dance without feeling like I'm going to topple.


I know it's Christmas. I'm supposed to be grateful to be alive. But every time I think about Jodie, I can't help but feel she should be the one in my shoes, and I should be dead.  She has a son.  She deserves to be able to walk and move around.

I don't even know what the hell am I supposed to do now.

No one can understand

You never really heal.  Not for 10 years. Not for 13 more. Not for the physical pain. Not for anything.

Time to move on...

It's Friday, Dec 16th 2011. Wow. Another 2 months and it would have been 8 years to be exact.

I found this picture by accident. I was looking for something in the LPT rules & regulations and found out that hey! I have 6 pictures in their collection even though I DNF-ed the whole thing for crashing in the bike leg.  I am very, very, very, very proud of this picture. This is when I came out of the lake after the sea.

Firstly, I am proud that I survived swimming in the sea albeit it took me like 46 mins to stop zig zagging and get out of the sea route. There were only 6 buoys in the whole sea route and when you turn back, the sun is in your eye. Thereafter I'm proud to have survived the lake, as the total cut off was 1 hour 10mins to finish swimming BOTH the sea and the lake.  I finished both in 1 hour 5mins. Yes. The sun was still in my eye and there were only 3 buoys in the lake. Yes. I am always scraping through. For the record, I wasn't the last swimmer. There were still 10 more bikes left at transition when I counted. Of course my timing for swimming is nothing to others and to you. But it is everything to me. For me, I am damn happy to finish it within the cut off time at all.   And that I swam entirely alone.  From when we transferred from the mainland to the front of the sea, I didn't know anyone in the crowd anymore.  I was entirely alone.  And I made it.  Especially when I never had a chance to swim in the sea and lake to get a 'feel' of the water.  I just jumped in on race day. (Which is a contributing factor to my entire failure in LPT.... but oh well)

Remember,  I only started to learn how to swim when? And start to swim laps when?  I REALLY REALLY REALLY only started to swim laps in June this year. (Hoohathlon Tri attempt in June, PD Tri attempt in July, HSBC UK Tri attempt in Sept, Desaru Tri - LD and Sprint attempts in Sept,  Miri Tri attempts -both Sprint and OD in Oct and Laguna Phuket Tri attempt in Nov.  There was supposed to be an IM70.3 attempt in Dec as well... but .... oh well...)

The first wave to go were the elites and professionals, then the second wave were the err.. other age groupers then I was in the third and last wave. Phew.   I was abit shocked that there were only 6 buoys in the sea.  Makes me feel that the triathlons we do in Malaysia..... WE ARE SO DAMN SPOILT!!!  We have more buoys in the tri's we do here. Therefore anytime I panic, I can catch one.  But in Phuket?  You better know how to sight,  or you'd end up like me,  zig zagging ALL OVER THE PLACE and losing time since I didn't know where the heck was I swimming to.

When I exited the sea, I remember panicking since my sea time was already 46 mins.  I know they said the lake is only 620meters,  but that's if you're swimming straight and on course.  Yours truly was zig zagging in the lake too! There were only 3 buoys for the whole lake! And there were weird plants down there,  the algae and stuff were "catching" my face, my hands, my legs!  I know I didn't swim straight to the arch.  I know I was away from the exit arch.  But when I finally finished swimming,  the feeling was just incredible.  I finally am independent. I made it on my own without anyone. YES!  Sifu Richard Tang's idea of me swimming alone in Miri for both OD and Sprint worked. I no longer fear swimming open water. :D

I am also familiar with Laguna Phuket by now. Having finished the full marathon in June and then attempted the triathlons at the end of the same year. It is really a nice, self contained resort.  Do the Laguna Phuket marathon if you're contemplating.  It is hilly and hot.  But it is worth it.


But what's up with today's date? It's my last physical day with HSBC. I have to leave. I'm not going into details. But damn.  That fateful day was really the last time I got to wear their Tri-suit.  It tore when I crashed in the bike leg.  And since I have resigned, I cannot wear it anymore in competitions.  :(  I really believed in the branding. I was really proud of it. I think we're like the only bank to hold our own triathlons in the UK for the past 4 years.  I knew when I was in UK that I had to go all out, but I still didn't make it in the second lap of the swim. I cycled and ran.  But the feeling is just not the same. If I can save some money, maybe I'd go back to UK next year and finish it this time.  I had the best boss.  The most supportive team mates.  :(  Good things just don't last forever, huh.

Sokaylah.  I did most of the things I wanted to do this year already.... Well.... Most.  Next year is a whole new ball game. 2012!!! Bring it on!!!  nuninuninuninu......

Sepandai-pandainya tupai melumpat, akhirnya jatuh ke tanah juga...

I remember someone saying that, as fast as you rise, you will also crash as fast. I think it's akin to the malay proverb, sepandai-pandainya tupai melumpat, akhirnya jatuh ke tanah juga.  It's been playing alot in my mind in the past few months. When I started the back to back events with the HSBC UK Tri on Sept 18th and the pinnacle was supposed to be the IM70.3 Phuket on Dec 4th, it kinda bugged me, that as fast as I'm rising to be able to do all the things I've only been dreaming or fantasizing about doing, when will everything come to an end?

I fell for the third time today since Phuket.

I scrapped my right knee and right ankle and it's bleeding. I only remember seeing such a thing when Ah Poh lost her balance and she scrapped the wall and her skin just came off, showing her epidermis and she was bleeding. Last saturday when I was out, I forgot about a split level landing, then I lost my balance and fell on my left, spraining my left ankle which was already swollen from Phuket, even further.

Three falls in such a short time.  A friend just told me to check my equilibrium.  Another friend thinks I have vertigo.  The only thing the neurosurgeon explained to me is that the old blood clot is being absorbed and that I will still have the head spinning, losing balance, nausea symptoms because my brain is still misaligned.  I can feel the brain expanding and shrinking as I write this. It's been happening alot. Not just because of the crash. I've been having this for a long time.  Before I went to Phuket, I even had one time where I suddenly broke out in cold sweat, and I knew I had to lie down quick before I faint, then I heard the buzzing sound for a while in my ears, then the cold sweat stopped and I could get up again.  But it only happened once, so I didn't think too much about it.

I'm wondering if the MRI isn't showing more information than it should. I should have asked the doctor which lobe is being affected.  This is too much. Constantly losing balance, constantly having head and vision spinning, constantly forgetting what I just did, or said or supposed to do.  It's too much.  It's like my mind or memory is working in frames. Awhile I remember. Then I forget.  I even slur in my speech. Or mix up words while talking.  The only thing that's still working okay is when I type.  It takes alot of effort to type but I feel more balanced typing than talking.

Please. Stop.

Setting the record straight

I know you'd prefer if I leave this alone.  But I don't like being accused.  So I'm setting these items straight.

Firstly, I recently heard that I might be the one who accused Khairul Anuar of taking drugs to slim down.  It is NOT ME.  To whomever that pundek is who suka hati accused KA and then accused ME of being the one who said KA takes drugs.  Skrew you. Pundek.  If you dare to accuse, you better dare own up.  People who've known me since school will know that if I berani buat, I berani mengaku.  I'm not a bloody fake like you.

Secondly, I saw that I'm being accused of BRAGGING about my triathlons, and hundred km's and being emotional.  Helo? Am I a robot? Just because I am outspoken, so I'm labelled as emotional and suicidal? So be it. BUT I am thoroughly confused as to how is it that I am bragging about my triathlons and my hundred km's.   People who swam with me when I first started, KNOW how hard it was for me to cross over to the deep end, to let go off the rim of the pool and swim back and how I FINALLY got over my fear in swimming.   My timings for triathlons are NOTHING to shout about.  I'm only proud that I finally learnt to swim. At this age.  YES I AM DAMN PROUD OF THAT.

My hundred km's? My first 100 km was 17 hours 38mins. Cut off 18 hours.  My second 100km was 34 hours 41mins.  Cut off 36 hours.  And I'm bragging about those? When I'm just scraping through the cut offs?  Really? I am???  Wow.

To the people who recently found themselves deleted. Yes.  When I crashed, I realised I was supposed to die.  This was also the time I found out who was really a friend and who wasn't.  So my question is why are you still in my list when it's obvious you are not a friend and you're one of those who are happy that I crashed. Why are we being fake to continue being friends? Just delete lah, kan senang?

I thought all this while that I've been writing the truth and I've been very straight.  Apparently the ones who are NOT on my friend list OR friends with me,  seem to find it their place to accuse me of this and that.

You know what? Skrew it.  Why I switched to triathlons after running so much in the first half of the year. Simple. I wanted to try and finish the 100km.  I did.  Then I WANTED THAT FREE TRIP TO UK AND THE CHANCE TO REPRESENT HSBC IN THEIR TRIATHLONS. And I got it.  For the simple fact that I forced myself to learn how to swim, just so I can get there.  I think this is mine.  It's not for YOU to criticise me and accuse me of all sorts of shit.

Hoohathlon.  I only started to really swim laps in June. REALLY swimming laps yeah. I went in Pullman Lake and I almost drowned.  If not for Raymond Tan, I wouldn't have even finished Hoohathlon.  And yet people didn't understand why I cried.  You didn't sink. That's why you didn't understand.

PD Tri.  Again, I didn't know how to make myself go in the sea.  If not for Grace, I wouldn't have finished the whole damn thing. But I managed to. I know I wasn't fair to her. I owe her and Kash for being able to start out in triathlons even.  I don't know when or how can I make it up to them, I'm still looking.

HSBC UK Tri.  My dream. I just wanted that free trip to the triathlons. I didn't know how the heck do I get chosen. I just know I had to try. And I managed to be chosen.  I didn't finish the second lap of the swim.

Desaru Sprint AND Long Distance.  Yes. My fault for not having the courage to battle through the swim in the LD.  I only managed to do it in the Sprint when Paul swam beside me.

Miri Tri.  This time I had Richard Tang to guide me. His only wish for me was simple.  Just to get through the swim on my own with no one beside me. And I did for both OD and Sprint. Just by following his instructions. Swim non stop for 2km without your feet touching the floor of the pool.  Lucky for me,  the pool that we are using in bukit jalil,  does not let you touch the floor for the whole 50m. When you first jump in, it's already 2 meters.  Then it goes to 3 meters  That's how I eventually got used to the notion of my feet not touching the ground or the floor for the whole swim. THIS is thanks to Hafiz and Gin Hai for fighting for our rights to use that pool.  Also thanks to Saiful for being so patient with me being such a slow swimmer.

Sabah Ultra TMBT.  Of course I wasn't ready for it.  But I already paid. So I went. And tried my level best at a shot of finishing it.  Even though I couldn't run for jack shit. And I'm bragging about that?

Powerman. I only scraped through the 5 hour cut off in the last minutes of 4 hours 57 mins.  THIS ONE YES I AM PROUD of finishing it. For the simple fact that I struggled so hard to maintain running and not walk. Cycling is not my forte. But I will make it soon.

I skipped PBIM and there was flooding in Bangkok so I had that week off as a break.

Then I went to Phuket, dumping ALL my money into the registrations, the hotel, the flight, the car rental, EVERYTHING.  Except travel insurance and medical insurance. And then I crashed in the LPT. I never even took my race pack for the IM70.3.  When you put all your eggs in one basket thinking THIS IS IT. You just need to get through this and you're all sort out for the year.  Then  I crashed and couldn't earn both finishings.  I am bragging about that huh? I am damn proud of that huh?

You know what? Skrew it lah.  I am VERY happy to switch from the running only community to the triathlon community.  The really fast and good triathletes seem to keep quiet and just do their thing.  Showtime is during race day.

I am learning to try and be like that.  I don't need to justify my existence.  You may think I am not worthy just because I don't run as fast as you, but really,  isn't running supposed to be for one own's accomplishment? And why is there SO MUCH politics in the running community. Isn't it supposed to be JUST RUN!???  Not anymore I guess. Now it's allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll politics and popularity.  I want out.  I will run when I have recovered from these injuries.  But I am running to make it in IMWA. I don't need to run to beat anybody.

Just like what Michelle Looi has advised me, it's time to fix my timing in the short distances so I earn more confidence. And then I will work my way up to fix my marathon timings.  I am very very very grateful for Sifu Richard Tang.  I am also grateful for the real friends who are very objective.  My problem with so and so is my problem with so and so. You don't have to make it your problem.  Unless YOU have a problem with me kan? I'm not asking you to take sides.I am very appreciative of the friends who can look at things objectively and NOT take sides. 

Until today I am also very proud of my bootcamp friends even though I have dropped out of bootcamp.  The ones who don't make any noise, they quietly register and the results show themselves on race day. THOSE are real heroes. Don't need to make so much hooha. They are strong. They know it.

If there's one thing I have learnt from all my triathlon attempts, is that THIS is what I really want. I will never make it to Boston. It's not what I want. But I'm going to go all out and try my level best to make it in WA. Just because I cycled and ran, but if I didn't finish the swim, the whole tri is a DNF. That's the painful thing I learnt from HSBC UK. And that's the number one thing that's spurring me on now. To try my best.  And I wait another 29 days before I get the green light to try and run again.  In the meantime?

Adios Pistachios. Just do what YOU want.

Why girls need to be empowered with information

Erm.... yeah. I didn't die. I'm still alive.  Anyway, Jaja Shah-Mohen posted this topic on her wall today and I really would like to talk about it,  for the simple fact that I'm sick of people who act holier than thou.

http://health.yahoo.net/news/s/ap/us_med_morning_after_pill#.TuIARIWGrro.facebook

Basically what this link is about is that Barack Obama is saying it is common sense not to sell morning after pills to girls under the age of 17.   I am saying, don't ban the sale to under age girls. Just don't promote it as the last resort either. 

Firstly let's get this straight.  I am not advocating that kids still at schooling age to have free sex whenever they feel like it.  BUT what year are we in? Free porn is everywhere.  Kids will have sex. And they will do it more than 4 times in a month.  But if you've bought these morning after pills before, you'd know that you're not supposed to eat them more than 4 times in a month.  It really affects your bones and these are stuff you feel it almost instantaneously.  Every time I go in the pharmacy to buy something and you're told to write your details in the log book,  I can see a trend of girls buying Postinor.

And I really hate this,  because those girls are probably told it is okay to eat this morning after pills as a last resort.  "We are not sexually active. We only do this what? 7 times a month?????" Yeah right. Please lah.

I am writing this from an angle of someone who has been abused since 6-7 years old until I was 17.  I'm not going to go into details because I have learnt things the hard way that it doesn't make people understand why I am the way I am.  But I'm still going to write it, because I want people who act like they are so damn goody to wake up and realise that YOU have a duty to tell these girls everything they need to know.  Maybe you walk away thinking, let someone else do it. It's just not going to be me.  What if NO ONE tells the girl anyway and whatever she knows is just based on what she picked up from friends WHO DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER?  Seriously???

Who are the ones pressuring the girls into having sex? Maybe it's the boy. Maybe she just wants to fit in. Maybe she was coerced into it, thinking the boy will stay and love her. Maybe she was raped. Maybe she was told this is the way of life by her stepfather.  Have you ever thought about it? Whatever it is, the onus is always on the girl to take care of herself.  If I ever have daughters, I WILL talk to them about sex and contraceptives. I'm not going to pretend it won't happen to my daughter.   If anything I've learnt so far, all the things you think WON'T happen to you, can happen and will happen.

Teach them about what happens when you have sex too early. When you're not ready. When you're coerced into it.  When you're forced into it.   Maybe you think at 14, they are too young to be on the monthly 21 day pill.  But kids are having sex as young as 11 and getting pregnant the moment they hit puberty. And girls are getting their monthly periods much earlier nowadays. WHAT are you going to do about it?

Depending on what religion you are,  I guess this dictates your decision. I'm not going to say which one is better.  For the simple fact that I am not holy. Please.  I believe in God. Period. But I'm not going to transform you. Or preach to you. I believe in God only because He is the reason I am still alive today.  He is the reason I hang on to every single thread of Hope until today.

But please lah.  Banning the sales of morning after pills to under 17 year old girls will NOT stop them from having sex. Especially if they're being forced into it.  You don't have to promote it. But really don't ban it either. It's better if the guy is wearing condoms (which doesn't break, of course)  or the girl is on a 21 day pill.  No. Withdrawal method isn't any better. She can still get pregnant. 

Okay this topic is ALOT wider and too much to cover.  I'm just saying that I disagree with what Barack Obama is doing about this.

Death

What is it like when you're gone? Would anyone really miss you? Would anyone cry for you? Would anyone even be at your funeral?

These days, I feel so jaded by the whole racing thing. The series of DNFs that started since UK,  is taking its toll on me. I am seriously physically, emotionally and mentally drained.  I cry while driving, while swimming, while running, while at work, while sitting on the golden throne, in the plane, anywhere. I just cannot take it anymore. I don't even know what the hell am I doing anymore. Guided by my own moral compass, I can't differentiate what's right or wrong anymore.  I keep hurting the people who had truly cared about me. And I keep caring too much about the ones who really doesn't give two shits about me.

Mount Kinabalu Climbathon weekend was supposed to be a get-away for me too. But things didn't quite turn out how I thought it would.  And now I've even lost just that ONE person who was the last one I could turn to. 

This endurance sports scene, is freaking mental if you ask me.  It's not just about who is the strongest and fastest,  it's also about who will last the longest in years to come.   And I don't see myself being around for long.  Hell, I don't even see myself living past 40. Or settling down, and having a husband, with 3 kids in tow and fighting over the mortgage and growing old together.   I feel like I am running out of time.  That I only ever get one shot.   And when it's gone,  it's really gone.  I will never get it back.

I am so tired that nothing else matters anymore.  Not Miri tri this weekend.  Not TMBT next weekend. Definitely not Powerman, or SCBM.  Not even LPT and IM70.3 Phuket anymore.  What does it matter? Whether I make it or not, I don't think I will find the ending I am looking for.  When I finished the Sundown 100km Ultra,  I felt so empty and then I signed up for the Sabah Ultra 100km Ultra trail, thinking maybe I will find what I am looking for in this one.  What am I looking for? I can't even answer that.  I just know I haven't "arrived".

People misunderstand me as trying to show off what I can do.  What they don't know is that they have already achieved alot more than me.  You already have everything,  a husband, a wife, beautiful kids, a fulfiling job, inner peace with yourself and a relationship with God, you already have everything.  I don't. I'm still searching.

Just that one of these days, I might actually be successful in killing myself.  By then it will be too late to fix anything.