A month has passed. Why do I not feel any better? Why is my head still spinning? Why do I tumble when I'd just woken up? Why does my back, nape of my neck and shoulder ache like hell? Why does my left ankle hurt like hell? Why does my right knee not bend or raise as high as I used to be able to? Why do I always feel tired? It's already a whole month.
I had to deactivate my facebook. I don't want to find myself writing how I really feel on facebook. I don't need anyone to read and comment that I'm making drama. I would not wish for the same thing to happen to you just so you know how it feels. But there's already enough fakeness in the cyber world. I'm not going to pretend everything is okay when it's not. I don't feel like my body is healing at all.
Maybe progress is slow cos I still ran on Patong a few days after crashing just to find out if I can withstand the pain for Ironman70.3. That's the thing. I could. But maybe the drugs that the Thai doctors gave were alot more helpful. I can't seem to get those drugs here. I only got them for 10 days when I first crashed in Phuket and that's it. Here I was only prescribed meds for my brain recovery. What about my body??? I calculated again and realised I was actually unconcious for more than 3 hours, not 1 hour. No wonder looters stole from me. He/She thought I had died.
I'm sick of the word REST. I'm not getting any better. People look at me and think I'm fine. Yes. I look fine. But I'm khayal all the time. When the hell can I swim again? I can't even dance without feeling like I'm going to topple.
I know it's Christmas. I'm supposed to be grateful to be alive. But every time I think about Jodie, I can't help but feel she should be the one in my shoes, and I should be dead. She has a son. She deserves to be able to walk and move around.
I don't even know what the hell am I supposed to do now.
I feel you Cyn. I hope you will find your peace soon. Let me know if you need to talk ok. Peace, babe.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Syah. I will call you.
ReplyDeleteDear Cyn,
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong with going for a second opinion. Even if the second one tells you the same at least it'll settle those nagging questions.
Working in ICU I've asked many times why does this patient have to die instead of others. Honestly speaking I've never found the answer. The only answer is that life will take it's course and we can only try to make the best with what we have....
Call me any time, hugs are always available
Cyn, babe, so sorry you're feeling so lousy. I'm not a medical doctor, but I think that while drugs can be prescribed to hasten clearing of the blood clot in your brain, there may not be medicine that makes the body recover because the body needs to heal itself? I second Nurina's suggestion of getting a second opinion. Sms me if you need company ya.
ReplyDeleteHey Cyn. Just found out that you deleted your FB. Well. I feel for you. I'm really sorry that it happened and you don't feel better. I really think you still need to REST even though you hate that word. Rest your body and your mind. One month is just the beginning of the rest for you to regather your full strength. It will take many, many months to recover body and mind. You can and you will, I know it but only if you allow yourself to heal. You've nothing to prove to nobody, in fact you've proven to a lot of people that hard work and determination pays and pays well. Be proud of it. Take your time, smell the roses. Everything I have said, say and will say are cliche but true. You know it too. Rest well my friend.
ReplyDeleteHey Nurina,
ReplyDeleteSorry for the late response, I've been feeling extra low energy starting this week and today the pressure at the back of my head intensified. The head spinning still hasn't stopped. :( Thank you for always being there. *bighugs*
Hi Gracie
ReplyDeleteSorry for the late response, I feel extra lethargic and low starting this week. I don't know how have you managed such pain for your whole life! I'll call you if I find another doctor to go to. Thank you!
Suanieeeeeeee!
ReplyDeleteThank you for stopping by, sorry for responding so late. These past few days I feel really low in energy, and everyday the pressure behind my head is building. Today was the worst kembang kecut feeling. But thank you. I know what you mean. I understand why, but you know me lah. I'm so impatient for results so this slow recovery progress is torturing. I find even repeating myself when I talk, takes alot of effort and fatiguing, but I can't blame anyone since I'm slurring in my speech. :(
Okie I'm resting... :( Hope to see you one of these days.