Death

What is it like when you're gone? Would anyone really miss you? Would anyone cry for you? Would anyone even be at your funeral?

These days, I feel so jaded by the whole racing thing. The series of DNFs that started since UK,  is taking its toll on me. I am seriously physically, emotionally and mentally drained.  I cry while driving, while swimming, while running, while at work, while sitting on the golden throne, in the plane, anywhere. I just cannot take it anymore. I don't even know what the hell am I doing anymore. Guided by my own moral compass, I can't differentiate what's right or wrong anymore.  I keep hurting the people who had truly cared about me. And I keep caring too much about the ones who really doesn't give two shits about me.

Mount Kinabalu Climbathon weekend was supposed to be a get-away for me too. But things didn't quite turn out how I thought it would.  And now I've even lost just that ONE person who was the last one I could turn to. 

This endurance sports scene, is freaking mental if you ask me.  It's not just about who is the strongest and fastest,  it's also about who will last the longest in years to come.   And I don't see myself being around for long.  Hell, I don't even see myself living past 40. Or settling down, and having a husband, with 3 kids in tow and fighting over the mortgage and growing old together.   I feel like I am running out of time.  That I only ever get one shot.   And when it's gone,  it's really gone.  I will never get it back.

I am so tired that nothing else matters anymore.  Not Miri tri this weekend.  Not TMBT next weekend. Definitely not Powerman, or SCBM.  Not even LPT and IM70.3 Phuket anymore.  What does it matter? Whether I make it or not, I don't think I will find the ending I am looking for.  When I finished the Sundown 100km Ultra,  I felt so empty and then I signed up for the Sabah Ultra 100km Ultra trail, thinking maybe I will find what I am looking for in this one.  What am I looking for? I can't even answer that.  I just know I haven't "arrived".

People misunderstand me as trying to show off what I can do.  What they don't know is that they have already achieved alot more than me.  You already have everything,  a husband, a wife, beautiful kids, a fulfiling job, inner peace with yourself and a relationship with God, you already have everything.  I don't. I'm still searching.

Just that one of these days, I might actually be successful in killing myself.  By then it will be too late to fix anything.