This picture was taken just before we went to the venue on race day. I think it's the ONLY group photo that we have. I WOULD KILL to have this day again. I would sell my soul. ANYTHING. Just to get back Sept 18th again. Cos the moment I dnf-ed the swim, everything else went downhill after that.
There's not a day that has passed since I came back, without me crying about the damn swim. And it's been 16 days. Just one more bloody lap and it would have saved alot of dignity and pride. Now I have nothing to show for. Not even a damn certificate of participation. No one gives a shit that I did cycle. I did run. The principle of the matter is that I dnf-ed. On the plasma there was Bangalore giving Venky and Prithish a nice welcome back. And I'm like... I did swim at least that 750m and cycle that 40km and run that 10km. But who cares? Who..... freaking...... cares.
I should never have hesitated. I should have gone all out to swim until I freaking drowned. The moment you hesitate is the moment you will regret forever. Truth be told, when I passed the orange buoy that I'm supposed to go for the 2nd lap, I already felt that regret engulfing me. It was a feeling that lasted just a few seconds as I swam straight for the arch instead of turning right. I felt it. And yet I still went straight.
I think only a select few of you can truly understand how it feels like. It's probably like finally making it to Boston, and then dnf-ing because of cramps or whatever shit that could possibly go wrong, really goes wrong on race day.
I think my biggest regret is because I KNOW I could have done it. It's that feeling of knowing you could have, which eats you alive. And I can't see past a day where I will forget about it. I just can't see that day yet. This one eats me up more than Desaru. Because it was the triathlon that I had trained so hard for. I'm not like the others in the building who were just trying their luck at a free trip to UK. I went all out to earn the right. I ran so much. I had to force myself to coordinate my hands and legs for the swim. You have no idea how hard swimming was for me. I'm one of those who can't coordinate my hands and feet together for shit. If you take me out dancing, you will shoot me and never take me out again. But I tried. God I tried so damn hard. And then ... in one split second of bad decision making. It's all gone... everything I trained for. Went down the drain. And I will never ever get this chance ever again.
SO what's the lesson here? Never hesitate. Never ever ever hesitate. Just go all out until your heart explodes. At least that's a better reason for dnf-ing.
In a short time, you have come a long way. The experience may haunt you, but in time you will appreciate that it can only make you stronger. I have many downs too in the earlier part of my running life. But just get back up and keep going. That way, you are only moving forward. Keep your head high. It's not over yet.
ReplyDeleteur being too tough on yourself. But it is also not fair for me to say that. I never swam in ice cold water and you did.
ReplyDeleteFor that alone, you already did your best while many of us can only wished.
what don't kill you makes you stronger.
cest la vie.
Thanks Francis. Thanks Stupe. I have never DNF-ed in my life until UK. It's unbelievable. And I was so confident that I will finish. Even if I'm the last one, I was confident that I will finish. Now it's not even a damn finish. And because of that, I also didn't have the confidence to tackle the waves at Desaru's LD. And it's going to continue eating me alive until I redeem myself at the next tri.
ReplyDeleteCynthia,
ReplyDeleteI ve just discovered your blog. I m impressed and touched. Profondly touched by your story...You are amazing, you are great! And so ambitious, as I m! I still also want to proof sth to myself, to explore my limits, to see how far I can go...I feel you and understand in fully.
From now - you are my inspiration. I love your never-give-up light in your eyes..
I keep fingers crossed for you. Hi lady, you can do it! You will manage it! Beacause you are created to proof it!
Keep spinning your life as you do it perfectly!
Mart