Death

What is it like when you're gone? Would anyone really miss you? Would anyone cry for you? Would anyone even be at your funeral?

These days, I feel so jaded by the whole racing thing. The series of DNFs that started since UK,  is taking its toll on me. I am seriously physically, emotionally and mentally drained.  I cry while driving, while swimming, while running, while at work, while sitting on the golden throne, in the plane, anywhere. I just cannot take it anymore. I don't even know what the hell am I doing anymore. Guided by my own moral compass, I can't differentiate what's right or wrong anymore.  I keep hurting the people who had truly cared about me. And I keep caring too much about the ones who really doesn't give two shits about me.

Mount Kinabalu Climbathon weekend was supposed to be a get-away for me too. But things didn't quite turn out how I thought it would.  And now I've even lost just that ONE person who was the last one I could turn to. 

This endurance sports scene, is freaking mental if you ask me.  It's not just about who is the strongest and fastest,  it's also about who will last the longest in years to come.   And I don't see myself being around for long.  Hell, I don't even see myself living past 40. Or settling down, and having a husband, with 3 kids in tow and fighting over the mortgage and growing old together.   I feel like I am running out of time.  That I only ever get one shot.   And when it's gone,  it's really gone.  I will never get it back.

I am so tired that nothing else matters anymore.  Not Miri tri this weekend.  Not TMBT next weekend. Definitely not Powerman, or SCBM.  Not even LPT and IM70.3 Phuket anymore.  What does it matter? Whether I make it or not, I don't think I will find the ending I am looking for.  When I finished the Sundown 100km Ultra,  I felt so empty and then I signed up for the Sabah Ultra 100km Ultra trail, thinking maybe I will find what I am looking for in this one.  What am I looking for? I can't even answer that.  I just know I haven't "arrived".

People misunderstand me as trying to show off what I can do.  What they don't know is that they have already achieved alot more than me.  You already have everything,  a husband, a wife, beautiful kids, a fulfiling job, inner peace with yourself and a relationship with God, you already have everything.  I don't. I'm still searching.

Just that one of these days, I might actually be successful in killing myself.  By then it will be too late to fix anything.

The North Face 100km Duo: The most Soh Hai race I ever ran...

The North Face 100. I consider it as one of the elite trail running series around, held in Singapore, Thailand, Philippines, Australia and a few other countries. Of course I am nowhere near the elite level to attempt the 100km solo category.   Last year I entered the 50km duo category and I finished it looking like this.

I only had 8 mins left to cut off time.

Obviously at that time I swore I will never do it again.  But do we ever learn?

This year I entered the 100km duo category and even worse, I don't have any finishing photos as I came out so damn late, the area looked like this when I finally made it back.

So cham.... nobody wan....  *sob*sob*  :(

And yes.  Something is wrong with this picture.  Firstly I finished the route from the wrong direction.

Let's start from the beginning shall we?

Early morning, rise and shine! Our first 50km trail run in MacRitchie Reservoir Park, Singapore.  My partner for this year was Dzul also known as barefootdzul.

Pic from Sasha Farina's Mandai album

The first time I woke up,  it was already 8.30am and I had 88 missed calls from Dzul!!! Shit. I overslept!!!  So I rushed to the race site to try and join in the middle of it and I couldn't find Dzul.  Of course lah. Race started at 8am mah.  Cursing and cursing and cursing...  And then I woke up again.  This time it was 7.30am!! I'm still late!!! Bloody hell!!! I can't make it in half an hour!!! Curse and curse and curse again.... Then I woke up....FOR REAL...*blink*blink* okie it's 5.30am.  Get your bloody ass up right now when it's for real. What the hell... I just had a dream within a dream within a dream. 

Got to the race site by 7am as promised and looked for Frank.  Found Dannie and Carrie.  Found Frank. Got our race kits.  Put bags in locker. Found Syah and Kash.  Then finally found Dzul.  Also met Adam, Mohan and Ben Swee.

Can you spot some similarities?  :D

Headed for the weigh in and spotted Allan who had just finished his first 50km loop and was going in for his second loop.

Allan went on to finish the whole 100km by himself in 13 hours something. THAT IS FREAKING CONSISTENT with his Sundown 100km Ultra timing in June this year.  Helo? Where got normal people have same timing for road race and trail race wan? What are you? Kwai lei gah? Han teng emm hai yan lei geh.   :P

Anyway,  went in to the weigh in where they measure your gear and hydration to ensure you're starting off with the right amount of fuel.  Met Alexander Asree, Razif Yahya and Deo.

The atmosphere was pretty tense. It's like everyone was trying to outdo each other kinda feeling.  I know I was shit scared.  I have not been building my trail mileage.  I have been prioritising swimming over everything else. Anyway,  so we were flagged off at 8am sharp.  And this year,  we didn't run past the toilets.  We ran into the bridge thing.

Yesh that ish Kash in front.  Hehe...  this is another supermom who will kick yours and my ass anyday.

We ran into the trail and Kash was close behind for the first 3km.  Dzul and Syah was ahead and I lost Dzul after about 4km. I also lost Kash thereafter.  Then Razif, Ijam and Ian passed me. I kept shouting for Kash but no response.  (I had TOTALLY FORGOTTEN that you're not supposed to shout your friend's real name in the forest, for superstitious reasons)   Anyway, I knew Kash will catch up to me at some point.  And true enough by the entry into Durian Loop,  Kash found me again.

Kash kept me company until after Mandai check point,  as we entered the jungle area after the tarmac, then I lost Kash.   Winnie came by soon after,  but I lost Winnie too. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I keep up with anybody? Well... firstly,  my legs were hurting like hell, as I wore the NB Minimus MT10 and the whole route was full of pebbles and craggly rocks.

It was a HUGE struggle to make it to the 27.7km check point by 1pm for me. It was just continuous barren land of pebbles, pebbles and more pebbles and pebbles and pebbles and more pebbles and more pebbles and pebbles and pebbles and pebbles  (you get my drift?)   You try running that kind of terrain in your Vibrams or other minimalist shoes and tell me how you feel.   When I finally got to the so called check point,  there was a medic tent and towels and water.  But the check point that checks in your TIMING is AFTER this freaking hill called Hill 265.

I have been dreading facing this hill ever since Shariff aka Singapore Blade Runner mentioned it last year.  But surprisingly, I didn't need to crawl on all fours.  I managed to stay on my feet.

I really don't understand why would TNF put the medic tent down there just before this hill and then the timing check point AFTER this hill.  Who is going to seek help down there when you have to climb this hill first and then only you'd get to check in up there?

Anyway,  so I skipped that water and medic point and tackled this hill just to check in by the 1pm cut off so that I don't get swept by the sweeper bus.  Bloody hell that cost me water.   Soon after Mohan found me.

 

And after a while, I also lost Mohan.  :(  

I really really regretted wearing the NB Minimus MT10 as it was SO DAMN PAINFUL to endure the pebbles for such a long distance and hilly terrain. The WHOLE time I was cursing sakitgilerbarbieporkeymarkpunyasakitomgkenapaakupakaiNBminimusstupidnakmampuspunyasakit.   Anyhow, I had no choice but to endure it.   

I would say that Mandai loop has got to be the most torturous loop because it was so freaking hot and exposed.  No shade.  Pebbles, pebbles and more pebbles.  I just couldn't wait to get out of it and back into the jungle.  Give me the jungle anytimeeeeeeeeeee!   When I finally got past the Mandai water point and back into the jungle,  I took off my sunglasses and the ground looked like it was just inches from my face man.  Bloody hell I'm already delusional. By which time, I had completely lost everybody. I was completely on my own now. Most of the time, there was nobadi, nobadi but me.  Just nobadi, nobadi, nobadi but me. And that song haunted me for the remaining way back.  Until I met Wee Kiat and Rachel (made new friends) just before the quarry.  And followed behind them until Rifle Range. Then I lost them. I don't even remember or know WHERE I lost them.  I just know I lost them.  Shit. And that's when the problem started.


After the river stream crossing,  I came to this fork, which for the life of me, I couldn't remember which one I came from. There were no markers from DirtTraction or TNF.   There was a wooden signage by the park itself, which showed turn right for MacRitchie park. A stranger runner passed by and I asked him and he said yes turn right for the park.  So I did.  I kept going and I came across a second fork.  This time there was another behind me who had been following me and he shouted turn left.  I looked at him,  he was wearing a safra t-shirt. Safra means he's a Singaporean.  So I trusted him.  I turned left.  And then I came across this thing.

This thing was built for you to run above the reservoir water and it eventually led you into the golf course.  I KNOW we did not run in here in the morning at all. But I have no idea where the heck I am!!!!

In the golf course area,  the guy who was behind me was still behind me.  I turned and waited for him.  I told him we are supposed to run back into the path we used to come in.  We did not come in here at all this morning. He said no, no, we are correct.  And he continued on.  I stood there watching him.  Then after about 5 mins,  he turned back.   And he said.... 


"I think we are lost" 


I wanted to strangle him. 


Gee! You think?!?!?!


Then he said but this way will also lead back to the starting line.  Really? Sure? Because I don't want to go all the way back to the other side now!!!  He told me to go on and please tell them to come back for him as his ankle hurts and his blisters just burst. Wahlauweh helo? You're the second person to give me wrong direction and now I have to run faster to get help for you.   Sigh okay fine.  And that's another 5km to find the finishing.  Shit.


So I went ahead and found myself in ANOTHER trail which was more treacherous as it had more hills and a flying golf ball flew past my face.  Because this trail is STILL right beside the golf course.  Had I been faster by a few seconds, I would have had a concussion and then we both die there, since he is injured and I'm too heavy for him to lug me.  Just great. 


Anyhow, eventually I got out of the trail after running along this thing again which snakes around the lake.

Yeah.  Disillusioned until cannot snap a picture straight.

When I finally found my way out of EVERYTHING,  I was on this side of the lake.

What the hell man??!!!???!

And everybody else.... was finishing from THAT other side of the lake. Shit.  I'm on the wrong side. But there's no freaking way I am gona swim across okeh!

I came from the wrong freaking way.

And I ended up finishing from behind of the starting line. When everybody else came in from the front.  Sigh. I looked at my Garmin. 9 hours 34min.  Wahlauweh. Si beh jia lat. Way over the individual cut off time of 9 hours.

Of course, I bitched like hell to the organisers at the finishing tent.  How could you not have marshalls or markers at those junctions???  You cannot assume all your contestants are singaporeans and know MacRitchie park like the back of their hands.   Their only explanation??? That their markers have been sabotaged by other people.  Then I told them to go back inside and rescue the other guy I left behind.  Ironically they shoved the map in my face and asked me to show which grid that I left him.   Helo? Are you guys retarded? If I understood your map,  would I have gotten lost in the first place??????????????  And about 20mins later,  he limped by.  No one had rescued him.  Great event management team this year I see.  

Found Allan and Shine.  Slumped myself down. Took off my shoes.  And my feet looked like this.

But what is the most sickening thing out of ALL THIS?  Mohan asked me so what was my distance coming out from the other route?  I checked my Garmin.  49.92km.  Then he said, go run another 80 meters and come back. WTF? Shit. I am short of 80 meters.  Now I cannot claim I finished it because I am short of 80 meters.  Bloody hell?????  After all that internal fighting and pushing myself through pain,  and in the end I am under distance? Bloody hell.  Stupid. I felt like the biggest soh hai of all soh hai's in soh hai land.   I mean come on?  I couldn't make it in the 9 hours, fine. But now I can't even say with conviction that I finished 50km ultra trail simply because I'm short of 80 meters. WTF lah weih. Through no fault of my own. Sorry lah but at that point of time, I didn't feel like running around in circles like an idiot just to make it 50k.  Skrew it.  It is what it is.

And anyway, the organisers whom I bitched to, already said that they are still taking my timing into account. And they still gave me the medal anyway.  By individual timing, I am completely skrewed.  But teamwise, Dzul's 8 hour finish gives me that extra 1 hour allowance.  Hopefully we will still be listed in the results.

Will I come back next year? I don't think so. Just sit in front of the tv and grow fungus is easier.  Seriously.

I would kill...

This picture was taken just before we went to the venue on race day. I think it's the ONLY group photo that we have.  I WOULD KILL to have this day again.  I would sell my soul. ANYTHING. Just to get back Sept 18th again.  Cos the moment I dnf-ed the swim, everything else went downhill after that.

There's not a day that has passed since I came back, without me crying about the damn swim. And it's been 16 days.  Just one more bloody lap and it would have saved alot of dignity and pride.  Now I have nothing to show for.  Not even a damn certificate of participation. No one gives a shit that I did cycle.  I did run.   The principle of the matter is that I dnf-ed.  On the plasma there was Bangalore giving Venky and Prithish a nice welcome back.  And I'm like... I did swim at least that 750m and cycle that 40km and run that 10km.   But who cares? Who..... freaking...... cares.

I should never have hesitated.  I should have gone all out to swim until I freaking drowned. The moment you hesitate is the moment you will regret forever.  Truth be told, when I passed the orange buoy that I'm supposed to go for the 2nd lap,  I already felt that regret engulfing me. It was a feeling that lasted just a few seconds as I swam straight for the arch instead of turning right.  I felt it.  And yet I still went straight.

I think only a select few of you can truly understand how it feels like.  It's probably like finally making it to Boston,  and then dnf-ing because of cramps or whatever shit that could possibly go wrong, really goes wrong on race day.

I think my biggest regret is because I KNOW I could have done it.  It's that feeling of knowing you could have, which eats you alive. And I can't see past a day where I will forget about it.  I just can't see that day yet.  This one eats me up more than Desaru.  Because it was the triathlon that I had trained so hard for. I'm not like the others in the building who were just trying their luck at a free trip to UK.  I went all out to earn the right.  I ran so much.  I had to force myself to coordinate my hands and legs for the swim.  You have no idea how hard swimming was for me.  I'm one of those who can't coordinate my hands and feet together for shit.  If you take me out dancing, you will shoot me and never take me out again.    But I tried. God I tried so damn hard.   And then ... in one split second of bad decision making.  It's all gone... everything I trained for.  Went down the drain. And I will never ever get this chance ever again.

SO what's the lesson here? Never hesitate. Never ever ever hesitate. Just go all out until your heart explodes.  At least that's a better reason for dnf-ing.

I.Hate.Running

This was from this morning's Adidas King of the Road 16.8km.  Barely 8km and I felt it on both mother toes already while I was running.  It's the watery type and I haven't decided if I should burst it now or wait for it to dry. 

I haven't blistered since June's Sundown Ultra 100km (mainly because I stopped running and concentrated alot more on swimming)  and I got these little gifts from this morning's Adidas King of the Road (16.8km on New Pantai Expressway)  Babi.

I was on track for the first 5km but I could feel something was not right with my toes.  After the whole run was over,  I took off my vibrams and sure enough.  The watery blisters have formed.

I thought the vibrams solved my blistering problem.  It hasn't.  Will I ever find the damn solution to my blistering problem.  Just to refresh your memory, the motherofall blisters I have endured so far were these buggers.

This was with Asics Kayano 16

After a visit to the doctor, they had looked like this.

Another example of a gaping hole I had was in March's Twilight Ultra Challenge 60km

I alternated between the Newtons and the Asics

These are just on my feet.  I'm sparing you pictures of chaffing on my breasts, my back, my tummy, etc.  Shit that I put up with, just to be able to run and finish a damn marathon or ultra marathon. Or just a simple 16.8km run like this morning's.

Because the most nagging problem will always be my feet.   Running is just running for some. But it isn't just running for me. It really is alot more painful for me. And I've done enough running for the first half of 2011.   Which is precisely why I was very happy to switch to triathlons.  Save for the half-ironman and full ironman level,   triathlons are less taxing on my legs compared to pure running events.

I've used all sorts of socks and all sorts of shoes. I'm still actually very happy with the minimalist shoes NB Minimus MT10 and the Vibrams Komodo Sport,  I feel alot lighter compared to shoes with cushioning and stability some shit thing.

But I still need a solution to this pesky blisters and I need it fast. It's also affecting the way I land and causing my MCL problem to recur.  Currently, I can't put my left heel down on the ground as it hurts. I suspect I heel striked though I don't remember doing that at all.  Then my right MCL problem is also back.  I had thought they have gone away when I started running in the vibrams.

I may have accidently kiled myself this morning and I don't have much time to fix this.

TNF100k Duo is up in exactly 2 weeks time.  I WILL NOT DIE IN MACRITCHIE.  I would rather die in Phuket. At least it's heaven there.  When I die, please cremate me and scatter my ashes in the Andaman Sea and it must be in Phuket.  

Thank you.