I would kill...

This picture was taken just before we went to the venue on race day. I think it's the ONLY group photo that we have.  I WOULD KILL to have this day again.  I would sell my soul. ANYTHING. Just to get back Sept 18th again.  Cos the moment I dnf-ed the swim, everything else went downhill after that.

There's not a day that has passed since I came back, without me crying about the damn swim. And it's been 16 days.  Just one more bloody lap and it would have saved alot of dignity and pride.  Now I have nothing to show for.  Not even a damn certificate of participation. No one gives a shit that I did cycle.  I did run.   The principle of the matter is that I dnf-ed.  On the plasma there was Bangalore giving Venky and Prithish a nice welcome back.  And I'm like... I did swim at least that 750m and cycle that 40km and run that 10km.   But who cares? Who..... freaking...... cares.

I should never have hesitated.  I should have gone all out to swim until I freaking drowned. The moment you hesitate is the moment you will regret forever.  Truth be told, when I passed the orange buoy that I'm supposed to go for the 2nd lap,  I already felt that regret engulfing me. It was a feeling that lasted just a few seconds as I swam straight for the arch instead of turning right.  I felt it.  And yet I still went straight.

I think only a select few of you can truly understand how it feels like.  It's probably like finally making it to Boston,  and then dnf-ing because of cramps or whatever shit that could possibly go wrong, really goes wrong on race day.

I think my biggest regret is because I KNOW I could have done it.  It's that feeling of knowing you could have, which eats you alive. And I can't see past a day where I will forget about it.  I just can't see that day yet.  This one eats me up more than Desaru.  Because it was the triathlon that I had trained so hard for. I'm not like the others in the building who were just trying their luck at a free trip to UK.  I went all out to earn the right.  I ran so much.  I had to force myself to coordinate my hands and legs for the swim.  You have no idea how hard swimming was for me.  I'm one of those who can't coordinate my hands and feet together for shit.  If you take me out dancing, you will shoot me and never take me out again.    But I tried. God I tried so damn hard.   And then ... in one split second of bad decision making.  It's all gone... everything I trained for.  Went down the drain. And I will never ever get this chance ever again.

SO what's the lesson here? Never hesitate. Never ever ever hesitate. Just go all out until your heart explodes.  At least that's a better reason for dnf-ing.

I.Hate.Running

This was from this morning's Adidas King of the Road 16.8km.  Barely 8km and I felt it on both mother toes already while I was running.  It's the watery type and I haven't decided if I should burst it now or wait for it to dry. 

I haven't blistered since June's Sundown Ultra 100km (mainly because I stopped running and concentrated alot more on swimming)  and I got these little gifts from this morning's Adidas King of the Road (16.8km on New Pantai Expressway)  Babi.

I was on track for the first 5km but I could feel something was not right with my toes.  After the whole run was over,  I took off my vibrams and sure enough.  The watery blisters have formed.

I thought the vibrams solved my blistering problem.  It hasn't.  Will I ever find the damn solution to my blistering problem.  Just to refresh your memory, the motherofall blisters I have endured so far were these buggers.

This was with Asics Kayano 16

After a visit to the doctor, they had looked like this.

Another example of a gaping hole I had was in March's Twilight Ultra Challenge 60km

I alternated between the Newtons and the Asics

These are just on my feet.  I'm sparing you pictures of chaffing on my breasts, my back, my tummy, etc.  Shit that I put up with, just to be able to run and finish a damn marathon or ultra marathon. Or just a simple 16.8km run like this morning's.

Because the most nagging problem will always be my feet.   Running is just running for some. But it isn't just running for me. It really is alot more painful for me. And I've done enough running for the first half of 2011.   Which is precisely why I was very happy to switch to triathlons.  Save for the half-ironman and full ironman level,   triathlons are less taxing on my legs compared to pure running events.

I've used all sorts of socks and all sorts of shoes. I'm still actually very happy with the minimalist shoes NB Minimus MT10 and the Vibrams Komodo Sport,  I feel alot lighter compared to shoes with cushioning and stability some shit thing.

But I still need a solution to this pesky blisters and I need it fast. It's also affecting the way I land and causing my MCL problem to recur.  Currently, I can't put my left heel down on the ground as it hurts. I suspect I heel striked though I don't remember doing that at all.  Then my right MCL problem is also back.  I had thought they have gone away when I started running in the vibrams.

I may have accidently kiled myself this morning and I don't have much time to fix this.

TNF100k Duo is up in exactly 2 weeks time.  I WILL NOT DIE IN MACRITCHIE.  I would rather die in Phuket. At least it's heaven there.  When I die, please cremate me and scatter my ashes in the Andaman Sea and it must be in Phuket.  

Thank you.

Tri-ing too hard...

One Olympic distance Tri, One Half-Ironman distance Tri and One Sprint distance Tri in exactly one week. I don't think I've ever worked out this hard other than during Sundown's 100km Ultra.  And what happened?  2 DNFs because of the swim and finally completed the Sprint but ONLY because Paul swam with me.  Will I ever make it alone?

I tried.

When we arrived on Friday, I did go down to the beach.  I had wanted to take a dip in the water to "feel the water" as I'm always told to do.  But there was no time. We already had to go for briefing and it was too late to enter the waters by the time briefing was over.

The next morning, when we gathered on the beach for the swim start,  Pui San went in the water with me but I only paddled out barely a few meters and I turned back.  Winnie came to hug me. Nik came to encourage me. Agnes came to encourage me.  A-Bou and Meei Meei kept telling me to relax.

I tried.

When Uncle Chan sounded the horn,  I held back to let everyone go first.  Pui San knew I hesitated.  She asked if I wanted her to swim with me.  I told her no, please go ahead.  This is something I needed to get through by myself.

I went in and started stroking. The first wave came and the second wave came. And then I panicked. I couldn't see beyond the waves. I quickly turned back. I got out of the waters. Tong Ngee and Tk motioned for me to continue.  Not to give up. But I just couldn't do it.  I stood there for a while and watched the others go further and further. Then another lady came out of the waters too. And about 4 more others came back with the jet ski.  We all couldn't make it in the waters.   Then the other lady asked the jet ski to follow her as she wanted to try again.  I asked if I could follow too. As we were about to enter the waters and try again, Uncle Chan stopped us and said No, you both won't make the cut off swim time.    But when he turned his back, she dived in anyway.  I was told she finished one lap.  We were supposed to swim two.   I was so crushed, I started crying again. Yeah I'm a crybaby. So what. I just don't understand why is it so hard to get through the swim.

Then K came to me and said I can still bike and run if I want.  At first I was thinking, why the heck would I still want to suffer through a 92km cycle and 22km run when it's already a DNF?  But I looked at my bike and my hydration bag and I'd already prepared two bottles.  All these drinks will go to waste.  I put on my clip shoes.  I saw Tk.  He asked am I still going to cycle? I said yes.   Then I went out to cycle.  I started cycling first but Tk caught up with me and said Good Job and went ahead.  Then Henry passed me, Bryan passed me, Yin Fook passed me, so many people passed me.  I finished the cycle (it was over distanced and became 94km instead of 92km) in about 4 hours 14 mins.   You're supposed to do it in 3 hours. Oh well. Rolling hills and strong headwinds.  Even the seasoned triathletes were complaining about it.

Came back from cycling and changed into my vibrams.  This would be the highest single mileage in them.  I haven't been building high mileage in them actually. Only for really short runs.  But I wanted to try. So I went out to run, by then it was already 1.30pm and it was scorching hot.

At first I was running.  Others had started walking.  I thought no. I need to try and run this whole thing.  Yeah right. I think I only lasted 5k's before I found out why most people were walking.  It was just too hot.


At the end of the first U-Turn, I bumped into Pui San and we walked/ran together. We bumped into so many others and encouraged each other.  When we were almost nearing the end of the 22km,  Pui San told me for the third time, to go ahead if I wanted to try and meet the cut off time. So I said Ok and went ahead.  I managed to continue running until I met Alban from Singapore.  I recognised him from Sundown 100km Ultra and PD Tri.   We chatted for abit.  I found out he has done Ironman 4 times but this time Desaru was just too hot and tough for him.  Then I left him and started running towards the hotel already where the finish line is.  Bloody hell the run back to the finish line had to be this loop around the apartments first.  You know how torturous that is right? When the finish line is JUST THERE but you need to go one bloody round first. WAHLAUWEH.

By then many had already finished the whole distance.  At the end of the event,  Henry, Cassey, Meei Meei, Eric, Eng Hui, Bryan, Pui San, Winnie, Zul, Halim, Hooi Siah, David Ong Eng Kian, (all first timers.... was it Terence's first time? Sorry if I missed out your name) had become Desaru Long Distance/ half ironman distance finishers.


I only managed to get through the swim in the Sprint category the next day

and finish the whole thing despite having muscle soreness from the previous days' 94k cycle and 22k run/walk. I couldn't pedal any faster despite it being just 17km.

Of course it felt like shit that I almost made it but I didn't in the Long Distance. If only I pushed through the waves, I would be a half ironman distance finisher too.  But it's okay.  I have another chance to Tri again at the end of the year. Laguna Phuket Triathlon (1.8km swim, 55km bike, 12km run) on 27th Nov and Ironman 70.3 (1.9km swim, 90km bike, 21km run) Phuket on 4th Dec.

Those two events will be the ultimate test of my independence and survival at swimming.  There will be NO ONE there to swim with me.  Plus the swim course is unique.  We have to swim in the sea first, then come out and run over to the lake then swim in the lake.  I'm not sure why it's divided like that, but it's what makes Phuket Tri different from the others.  Will I make it when I'm completely alone?

What made Desaru extra special despite it being really tough is that so many friends from the running circle were also doing it this time.  The pain and torture is alot more bearable when you're in the company of friends.  You will also achieve the goal when it's what YOU want to do. Not just because everyone else is doing it.

Honestly speaking, I think I've proven myself enough already with all the shit I've put myself through in just 1 year 7 months. I'm not doing this because of ah chee, ah seng or ah kao. I'm doing all this just to find out if I can. And I know I can.  I just need to fix my open water swim confidence.

The only crappy thing about the past 10 days is not only about the two DNFs.  I was given unfavourable news at work the moment I came back from Desaru,  which is forcing me to re-evaluate my priorities and forcing me out of my comfort zone.  Maybe it's time to move on and finally do what I love doing most.  

Tell you in 3 months' time.

The Damn Problem with Swimming...and then Open Water Swimming

1. You must be able to coordinate your hands and feet.  If you're like me, you're skrewed.

2. You must be able to get over your fear. There will always be weird things down there.  You will see them. And you can't do jack shit about them.  Just swim faster.

3. You must be able to tread water well. For at least a min.  So that if there are no tyres, or strings or anything to catch hold of, you can still take a breather and not flail your arms around like a drowning chicken. (Wait... do chickens drown?)

4. If you can't tread water well, you must be able to swim non-stop for at least 750m.  There is normally something big like the big buoy where we will U-turn at,  and hope that it is anchored properly, so you can catch it and hold on to it to take a breather.

5. If you can't tread water and you can't swim non-stop, then please sign up for the minimum distance there is in the list of categories. Try novice super sprint at 400m. Then practice 8 laps non-stop.

6. There's too many coaches or instructors who will tell you different things for the same thing. Find what you're comfortable with and stick with it.

7. Try to simulate the next race's swimming conditions.  That's why they say get into the water earlier and feel the water. Too much shit to simulate if you ask me.

8. Try as many open water swims as possible so you can get used to the bobbing around in the water and not feel sick on race day.

9. There will always be an idiot behind who is trying to catch your legs. Maybe he is drafting you. Maybe he ate too much pasta from the night before and woke up blind and just can't see you. Either way, keep kicking hard so that he moves to the left or right and buggers off.

10. What you can FINALLY do in the swimming pool doesn't guarantee whether you can do the same out there. Especially when you're a beginner like me.  Wake up early,  say the correct prayers and hope for the best.

Added on today at 7:52am

11.  Don't listen to the kayaker who will come up beside you and starts telling you stuff like "There's no point killing yourself over the swim and you can't bike and run later.  Just finish this one lap. It's a good experience"  No matter how much you're struggling, just force yourself to continue. Cos once you stop, they'll pull you out and that will be the biggest regret you will ever make.  It's not their job to make sure you make it.  It's their job to make sure there are no dead bodies.

12. Don't let anyone unzip your wet suit and take you into the ambulance van.  Fight for your right to dive back into the water.

13. They always tell you to make sure you're doing a high elbow. But I saw the leading man in men's vet just using brute force, swinging his arms as fast as he can.  He sure as hell wasn't doing high elbows and his head was high above water the whole time.   He still was first.

14. During training in the swimming pool, it's you against your class mates. During race day, it's you against yourself.  Don't panic just because the rest of the swimmers are like 25m ahead of you.  You can catch them later during the bike and run.  If you panic, you will lose everything. Your strokes. Your rhythm. Your buoyancy.  Everything.

15. When you get to the venue on race day,  plan your thoughts on how you're gona get through the swim. Stare at the swim course. Look at the shape.  Strategise.  If you dive in blindly,  you're also gona swim blindly.

16. Practice as much sighting as possible.  So that you don't have to keep stopping to look where you're going.

17.  There will always be another idiot swimming up beside you and jostling you around cos he wants to be ahead. If he disturbs your strokes, let it be,  just keep stroking.  The more agitated you are, the more you can't concentrate on your next stroke.

18. Keep calm. No matter what happens. Keep calm.  It's the one thing that will keep you from drowning.

When Dreams Come Crashing Down

The race is over. I've come home.

There is no easier way for me to admit this.  Technically I had DNF-ed the race.  Why?

Because of my swim.


The swim course is marked as a rectangular shape route with 6 buoys. I'm supposed to swim 2 laps of that rectangle. I only managed to complete 1 lap. See those little white dots on the left pontoon? That's us. One of them is me. Hanging on to the pontoon for dear life.

What was the problem with my swim? Well.  Alot. Firstly, I only got my wetsuit an hour before start time on race day.  Secondly, I only got to "acclimatise" myself to the cold waters about 10mins before start time. Basu said the water temp that morning was 9degrees. Even he found it exceptionally cold. And he is the one who walks around without a jacket and in shorts.

Ideally, I should have gotten my wetsuit much earlier and practiced in them.

But we don't live in an ideal world.

Even if I had gotten my wetsuit earlier, there was nowhere to practice. Lake Dorney was only open for swimming on race day. On other days it is for rowing.  The nearest other lake was Taplow but it was closed for the week when we were there. The only option I had left was to tough it out on race day.

So I tried.

Right from the flag off,  I had trouble with my breathing rhythm. The wetsuit felt tight and restrictive. I couldn't really breathe well. By the time I finished just that one lap, I had developed a headache on the right side of my head. So I headed straight for the arch to take a breather. I thought I could go back in the water after taking a breather.

THAT turned out to be big ass mistake number 1.

They pulled me out and asked me why, so I told them that I couldn't breathe.  It was my first time in a wetsuit and I'm not used to it nor the cold water.  They immediately took me into the ambulance van.  They took my pulse and said it was too high.   I told them I needed to continue.  They said no. They wouldn't let me go just yet. I started crying.

Big ass mistake number 2.

Because I started crying, that gave them even more reason to hold me in the van. The medic lady kept on repeating that I don't need to do this. I don't need to finish it just because of my team or anyone.  I'm like... I'm doing this for myself.  Finally when I showed that I was coherent and that I know what I was doing, that they let me go.

As I had already come out of the water, I can only continue with the bike and run.

I finished the required 8 loops of cycle for 40km in 1 hour 32 mins.

I finished the required 4 loops of running for 10km in 1 hour 1 min.

When the official results came out, I saw that they omitted my cycle timing. I already had to leave the UK,  I can only bring this up with the committee when I return to work tomorrow. It's not fair that I cycled 8 laps for no timing.

At the airport I cried. In the plane I cried. I had cried so much and so hard,  that I developed a really bad migraine and puked three times during the journey.

It's not going to be easy for me to accept that I'm a DNF just because of that one lap in the swim. I had finished everything else. I'm quite happy with my run timing, considering I had swum and cycled beforehand. But rules are rules. This is going to haunt me for a few more days. At least until Desaru this weekend. Where I will try to redeem myself. 

May God give me strength. See you all there.

The 4 year wait...

The HSBC UK Triathlon.

A charity drive organised by the HSBC Group to raise funds for the Build a School project, began 4 years ago in 2008.   The first colleague who went was Chin Chun Hoo who was from my department.  Chun Hoo has always been active in sports so it wasn't a surprise when he got it.  The second year it was Michelle Tan Bee Kiang, most runners would know her as she is a familiar face in the running world and she is really fast.  Siti Balquish got chosen for the third year, as she had done Kenyir tri before.

So where do I fit in?

Nowhere.

Up till 2008, I had still looked like this.

 Okie fine, I still look like that.  Whatever.  That was about 91kg.

Then one fine day in that same year, I decided that I've had enough of wearing maternity clothes when I wasn't even pregnant. I was just plain fat and I'm not the type of girl who wears tight clothes like a "sarung nangka" as my mother always puts it.

I bought a crosstrainer from Kettler and starting working out vigorously.  I shed about 19kg with that crosstrainer within 8 months.  I used the crosstrainer so much that the right pedal actually broke. When the Kettler guys came over to repair it,  the guy actually remarked, "binatang apa tinggal dalam rumah ni?"

By May 2009, I plateaued.  I got frustrated that I wasn't losing weight anymore.  I started to eat all the things I shouldn't be eating again. So my weight went back up of course. By January 2010, I had gained 8 kilos.

In January 2010, I joined the Original Bootcamp (http://www.originalbootcamp.com.my/) in the hopes of losing weight again.  I didn't lose weight immediately of course. But what I gained from bootcamp surpassed my expectations.

After only one month of bootcamp, I participated in my first road race, the 7.7km category in Putrajaya Night Marathon in February 2010 and earned my first ever finisher medal. I was so bloody happy, as between the group of people I knew who did that category, only Amelda and I managed to get that finisher medal. So I stuck with bootcamp for about 6 months. And I stuck with the running. By June 2010, I attempted my first half marathon and finished it.  By Dec 2010, I attempted my first full marathon and finished it.

Fast forward to 2011, numerous running events and 8 full marathons + 1 (100km) ultra marathon + 1 olympic distance triathlon later,  I am leaving for the HSBC UK Triathlon in 2 days' time.   I managed to get chosen based on these achievements.

I have been secretly eyeing this event for a longggggggggg time. Okie fine, the truth is that it's my only ticket to get to the UK. There's no other way I'd ever reach UK if not for this tri.  I had to force myself to learn how to swim and overcome my fear of the deep waters (this year itself), just for this event.

Will I make it? I really don't know.  This is my first visit to the UK. This is my first swim in freezing cold waters. I couldn't even stand running in Hong Kong's weather in February (this year) and that was about 15 degrees.   Now I have to force myself to swim in that kind of temperature? I didn't get to practice in a wet suit since the cost of one is 2 months of my car repayment and even though a very generous Ms H offered to buy me one, I couldn't bear the thought of buying it at such an exorbitant price and then probably only wearing it once. (since I plan to lose even more weight)

I just know I have to try. I've already come this far.  I've already fought so hard to be chosen.  Even though there is a high probability of me coming out last, I. STILL. MUST. TRY.