A month has passed. Why do I not feel any better? Why is my head still spinning? Why do I tumble when I'd just woken up? Why does my back, nape of my neck and shoulder ache like hell? Why does my left ankle hurt like hell? Why does my right knee not bend or raise as high as I used to be able to? Why do I always feel tired? It's already a whole month.
I had to deactivate my facebook. I don't want to find myself writing how I really feel on facebook. I don't need anyone to read and comment that I'm making drama. I would not wish for the same thing to happen to you just so you know how it feels. But there's already enough fakeness in the cyber world. I'm not going to pretend everything is okay when it's not. I don't feel like my body is healing at all.
Maybe progress is slow cos I still ran on Patong a few days after crashing just to find out if I can withstand the pain for Ironman70.3. That's the thing. I could. But maybe the drugs that the Thai doctors gave were alot more helpful. I can't seem to get those drugs here. I only got them for 10 days when I first crashed in Phuket and that's it. Here I was only prescribed meds for my brain recovery. What about my body??? I calculated again and realised I was actually unconcious for more than 3 hours, not 1 hour. No wonder looters stole from me. He/She thought I had died.
I'm sick of the word REST. I'm not getting any better. People look at me and think I'm fine. Yes. I look fine. But I'm khayal all the time. When the hell can I swim again? I can't even dance without feeling like I'm going to topple.
I know it's Christmas. I'm supposed to be grateful to be alive. But every time I think about Jodie, I can't help but feel she should be the one in my shoes, and I should be dead. She has a son. She deserves to be able to walk and move around.
I don't even know what the hell am I supposed to do now.
Sunday, 25 December 2011
Friday, 16 December 2011
No one can understand
You never really heal. Not for 10 years. Not for 13 more. Not for the physical pain. Not for anything.
Thursday, 15 December 2011
Time to move on...
It's Friday, Dec 16th 2011. Wow. Another 2 months and it would have been 8 years to be exact.
I found this picture by accident. I was looking for something in the LPT rules & regulations and found out that hey! I have 6 pictures in their collection even though I DNF-ed the whole thing for crashing in the bike leg. I am very, very, very, very proud of this picture. This is when I came out of the lake after the sea.
Firstly, I am proud that I survived swimming in the sea albeit it took me like 46 mins to stop zig zagging and get out of the sea route. There were only 6 buoys in the whole sea route and when you turn back, the sun is in your eye. Thereafter I'm proud to have survived the lake, as the total cut off was 1 hour 10mins to finish swimming BOTH the sea and the lake. I finished both in 1 hour 5mins. Yes. The sun was still in my eye and there were only 3 buoys in the lake. Yes. I am always scraping through. For the record, I wasn't the last swimmer. There were still 10 more bikes left at transition when I counted. Of course my timing for swimming is nothing to others and to you. But it is everything to me. For me, I am damn happy to finish it within the cut off time at all. And that I swam entirely alone. From when we transferred from the mainland to the front of the sea, I didn't know anyone in the crowd anymore. I was entirely alone. And I made it. Especially when I never had a chance to swim in the sea and lake to get a 'feel' of the water. I just jumped in on race day. (Which is a contributing factor to my entire failure in LPT.... but oh well)
Remember, I only started to learn how to swim when? And start to swim laps when? I REALLY REALLY REALLY only started to swim laps in June this year. (Hoohathlon Tri attempt in June, PD Tri attempt in July, HSBC UK Tri attempt in Sept, Desaru Tri - LD and Sprint attempts in Sept, Miri Tri attempts -both Sprint and OD in Oct and Laguna Phuket Tri attempt in Nov. There was supposed to be an IM70.3 attempt in Dec as well... but .... oh well...)
The first wave to go were the elites and professionals, then the second wave were the err.. other age groupers then I was in the third and last wave. Phew. I was abit shocked that there were only 6 buoys in the sea. Makes me feel that the triathlons we do in Malaysia..... WE ARE SO DAMN SPOILT!!! We have more buoys in the tri's we do here. Therefore anytime I panic, I can catch one. But in Phuket? You better know how to sight, or you'd end up like me, zig zagging ALL OVER THE PLACE and losing time since I didn't know where the heck was I swimming to.
When I exited the sea, I remember panicking since my sea time was already 46 mins. I know they said the lake is only 620meters, but that's if you're swimming straight and on course. Yours truly was zig zagging in the lake too! There were only 3 buoys for the whole lake! And there were weird plants down there, the algae and stuff were "catching" my face, my hands, my legs! I know I didn't swim straight to the arch. I know I was away from the exit arch. But when I finally finished swimming, the feeling was just incredible. I finally am independent. I made it on my own without anyone. YES! Sifu Richard Tang's idea of me swimming alone in Miri for both OD and Sprint worked. I no longer fear swimming open water. :D
I am also familiar with Laguna Phuket by now. Having finished the full marathon in June and then attempted the triathlons at the end of the same year. It is really a nice, self contained resort. Do the Laguna Phuket marathon if you're contemplating. It is hilly and hot. But it is worth it.
But what's up with today's date? It's my last physical day with HSBC. I have to leave. I'm not going into details. But damn. That fateful day was really the last time I got to wear their Tri-suit. It tore when I crashed in the bike leg. And since I have resigned, I cannot wear it anymore in competitions. :( I really believed in the branding. I was really proud of it. I think we're like the only bank to hold our own triathlons in the UK for the past 4 years. I knew when I was in UK that I had to go all out, but I still didn't make it in the second lap of the swim. I cycled and ran. But the feeling is just not the same. If I can save some money, maybe I'd go back to UK next year and finish it this time. I had the best boss. The most supportive team mates. :( Good things just don't last forever, huh.
Sokaylah. I did most of the things I wanted to do this year already.... Well.... Most. Next year is a whole new ball game. 2012!!! Bring it on!!! nuninuninuninu......
I found this picture by accident. I was looking for something in the LPT rules & regulations and found out that hey! I have 6 pictures in their collection even though I DNF-ed the whole thing for crashing in the bike leg. I am very, very, very, very proud of this picture. This is when I came out of the lake after the sea.
Firstly, I am proud that I survived swimming in the sea albeit it took me like 46 mins to stop zig zagging and get out of the sea route. There were only 6 buoys in the whole sea route and when you turn back, the sun is in your eye. Thereafter I'm proud to have survived the lake, as the total cut off was 1 hour 10mins to finish swimming BOTH the sea and the lake. I finished both in 1 hour 5mins. Yes. The sun was still in my eye and there were only 3 buoys in the lake. Yes. I am always scraping through. For the record, I wasn't the last swimmer. There were still 10 more bikes left at transition when I counted. Of course my timing for swimming is nothing to others and to you. But it is everything to me. For me, I am damn happy to finish it within the cut off time at all. And that I swam entirely alone. From when we transferred from the mainland to the front of the sea, I didn't know anyone in the crowd anymore. I was entirely alone. And I made it. Especially when I never had a chance to swim in the sea and lake to get a 'feel' of the water. I just jumped in on race day. (Which is a contributing factor to my entire failure in LPT.... but oh well)
Remember, I only started to learn how to swim when? And start to swim laps when? I REALLY REALLY REALLY only started to swim laps in June this year. (Hoohathlon Tri attempt in June, PD Tri attempt in July, HSBC UK Tri attempt in Sept, Desaru Tri - LD and Sprint attempts in Sept, Miri Tri attempts -both Sprint and OD in Oct and Laguna Phuket Tri attempt in Nov. There was supposed to be an IM70.3 attempt in Dec as well... but .... oh well...)
The first wave to go were the elites and professionals, then the second wave were the err.. other age groupers then I was in the third and last wave. Phew. I was abit shocked that there were only 6 buoys in the sea. Makes me feel that the triathlons we do in Malaysia..... WE ARE SO DAMN SPOILT!!! We have more buoys in the tri's we do here. Therefore anytime I panic, I can catch one. But in Phuket? You better know how to sight, or you'd end up like me, zig zagging ALL OVER THE PLACE and losing time since I didn't know where the heck was I swimming to.
When I exited the sea, I remember panicking since my sea time was already 46 mins. I know they said the lake is only 620meters, but that's if you're swimming straight and on course. Yours truly was zig zagging in the lake too! There were only 3 buoys for the whole lake! And there were weird plants down there, the algae and stuff were "catching" my face, my hands, my legs! I know I didn't swim straight to the arch. I know I was away from the exit arch. But when I finally finished swimming, the feeling was just incredible. I finally am independent. I made it on my own without anyone. YES! Sifu Richard Tang's idea of me swimming alone in Miri for both OD and Sprint worked. I no longer fear swimming open water. :D
I am also familiar with Laguna Phuket by now. Having finished the full marathon in June and then attempted the triathlons at the end of the same year. It is really a nice, self contained resort. Do the Laguna Phuket marathon if you're contemplating. It is hilly and hot. But it is worth it.
But what's up with today's date? It's my last physical day with HSBC. I have to leave. I'm not going into details. But damn. That fateful day was really the last time I got to wear their Tri-suit. It tore when I crashed in the bike leg. And since I have resigned, I cannot wear it anymore in competitions. :( I really believed in the branding. I was really proud of it. I think we're like the only bank to hold our own triathlons in the UK for the past 4 years. I knew when I was in UK that I had to go all out, but I still didn't make it in the second lap of the swim. I cycled and ran. But the feeling is just not the same. If I can save some money, maybe I'd go back to UK next year and finish it this time. I had the best boss. The most supportive team mates. :( Good things just don't last forever, huh.
Sokaylah. I did most of the things I wanted to do this year already.... Well.... Most. Next year is a whole new ball game. 2012!!! Bring it on!!! nuninuninuninu......
Monday, 12 December 2011
Sepandai-pandainya tupai melumpat, akhirnya jatuh ke tanah juga...
I remember someone saying that, as fast as you rise, you will also crash as fast. I think it's akin to the malay proverb, sepandai-pandainya tupai melumpat, akhirnya jatuh ke tanah juga. It's been playing alot in my mind in the past few months. When I started the back to back events with the HSBC UK Tri on Sept 18th and the pinnacle was supposed to be the IM70.3 Phuket on Dec 4th, it kinda bugged me, that as fast as I'm rising to be able to do all the things I've only been dreaming or fantasizing about doing, when will everything come to an end?
I fell for the third time today since Phuket.
I scrapped my right knee and right ankle and it's bleeding. I only remember seeing such a thing when Ah Poh lost her balance and she scrapped the wall and her skin just came off, showing her epidermis and she was bleeding. Last saturday when I was out, I forgot about a split level landing, then I lost my balance and fell on my left, spraining my left ankle which was already swollen from Phuket, even further.
Three falls in such a short time. A friend just told me to check my equilibrium. Another friend thinks I have vertigo. The only thing the neurosurgeon explained to me is that the old blood clot is being absorbed and that I will still have the head spinning, losing balance, nausea symptoms because my brain is still misaligned. I can feel the brain expanding and shrinking as I write this. It's been happening alot. Not just because of the crash. I've been having this for a long time. Before I went to Phuket, I even had one time where I suddenly broke out in cold sweat, and I knew I had to lie down quick before I faint, then I heard the buzzing sound for a while in my ears, then the cold sweat stopped and I could get up again. But it only happened once, so I didn't think too much about it.
I'm wondering if the MRI isn't showing more information than it should. I should have asked the doctor which lobe is being affected. This is too much. Constantly losing balance, constantly having head and vision spinning, constantly forgetting what I just did, or said or supposed to do. It's too much. It's like my mind or memory is working in frames. Awhile I remember. Then I forget. I even slur in my speech. Or mix up words while talking. The only thing that's still working okay is when I type. It takes alot of effort to type but I feel more balanced typing than talking.
Please. Stop.
I fell for the third time today since Phuket.
I scrapped my right knee and right ankle and it's bleeding. I only remember seeing such a thing when Ah Poh lost her balance and she scrapped the wall and her skin just came off, showing her epidermis and she was bleeding. Last saturday when I was out, I forgot about a split level landing, then I lost my balance and fell on my left, spraining my left ankle which was already swollen from Phuket, even further.
Three falls in such a short time. A friend just told me to check my equilibrium. Another friend thinks I have vertigo. The only thing the neurosurgeon explained to me is that the old blood clot is being absorbed and that I will still have the head spinning, losing balance, nausea symptoms because my brain is still misaligned. I can feel the brain expanding and shrinking as I write this. It's been happening alot. Not just because of the crash. I've been having this for a long time. Before I went to Phuket, I even had one time where I suddenly broke out in cold sweat, and I knew I had to lie down quick before I faint, then I heard the buzzing sound for a while in my ears, then the cold sweat stopped and I could get up again. But it only happened once, so I didn't think too much about it.
I'm wondering if the MRI isn't showing more information than it should. I should have asked the doctor which lobe is being affected. This is too much. Constantly losing balance, constantly having head and vision spinning, constantly forgetting what I just did, or said or supposed to do. It's too much. It's like my mind or memory is working in frames. Awhile I remember. Then I forget. I even slur in my speech. Or mix up words while talking. The only thing that's still working okay is when I type. It takes alot of effort to type but I feel more balanced typing than talking.
Please. Stop.
Saturday, 10 December 2011
Setting the record straight
I know you'd prefer if I leave this alone. But I don't like being accused. So I'm setting these items straight.
Firstly, I recently heard that I might be the one who accused Khairul Anuar of taking drugs to slim down. It is NOT ME. To whomever that pundek is who suka hati accused KA and then accused ME of being the one who said KA takes drugs. Skrew you. Pundek. If you dare to accuse, you better dare own up. People who've known me since school will know that if I berani buat, I berani mengaku. I'm not a bloody fake like you.
Secondly, I saw that I'm being accused of BRAGGING about my triathlons, and hundred km's and being emotional. Helo? Am I a robot? Just because I am outspoken, so I'm labelled as emotional and suicidal? So be it. BUT I am thoroughly confused as to how is it that I am bragging about my triathlons and my hundred km's. People who swam with me when I first started, KNOW how hard it was for me to cross over to the deep end, to let go off the rim of the pool and swim back and how I FINALLY got over my fear in swimming. My timings for triathlons are NOTHING to shout about. I'm only proud that I finally learnt to swim. At this age. YES I AM DAMN PROUD OF THAT.
My hundred km's? My first 100 km was 17 hours 38mins. Cut off 18 hours. My second 100km was 34 hours 41mins. Cut off 36 hours. And I'm bragging about those? When I'm just scraping through the cut offs? Really? I am??? Wow.
To the people who recently found themselves deleted. Yes. When I crashed, I realised I was supposed to die. This was also the time I found out who was really a friend and who wasn't. So my question is why are you still in my list when it's obvious you are not a friend and you're one of those who are happy that I crashed. Why are we being fake to continue being friends? Just delete lah, kan senang?
I thought all this while that I've been writing the truth and I've been very straight. Apparently the ones who are NOT on my friend list OR friends with me, seem to find it their place to accuse me of this and that.
You know what? Skrew it. Why I switched to triathlons after running so much in the first half of the year. Simple. I wanted to try and finish the 100km. I did. Then I WANTED THAT FREE TRIP TO UK AND THE CHANCE TO REPRESENT HSBC IN THEIR TRIATHLONS. And I got it. For the simple fact that I forced myself to learn how to swim, just so I can get there. I think this is mine. It's not for YOU to criticise me and accuse me of all sorts of shit.
Hoohathlon. I only started to really swim laps in June. REALLY swimming laps yeah. I went in Pullman Lake and I almost drowned. If not for Raymond Tan, I wouldn't have even finished Hoohathlon. And yet people didn't understand why I cried. You didn't sink. That's why you didn't understand.
PD Tri. Again, I didn't know how to make myself go in the sea. If not for Grace, I wouldn't have finished the whole damn thing. But I managed to. I know I wasn't fair to her. I owe her and Kash for being able to start out in triathlons even. I don't know when or how can I make it up to them, I'm still looking.
HSBC UK Tri. My dream. I just wanted that free trip to the triathlons. I didn't know how the heck do I get chosen. I just know I had to try. And I managed to be chosen. I didn't finish the second lap of the swim.
Desaru Sprint AND Long Distance. Yes. My fault for not having the courage to battle through the swim in the LD. I only managed to do it in the Sprint when Paul swam beside me.
Miri Tri. This time I had Richard Tang to guide me. His only wish for me was simple. Just to get through the swim on my own with no one beside me. And I did for both OD and Sprint. Just by following his instructions. Swim non stop for 2km without your feet touching the floor of the pool. Lucky for me, the pool that we are using in bukit jalil, does not let you touch the floor for the whole 50m. When you first jump in, it's already 2 meters. Then it goes to 3 meters That's how I eventually got used to the notion of my feet not touching the ground or the floor for the whole swim. THIS is thanks to Hafiz and Gin Hai for fighting for our rights to use that pool. Also thanks to Saiful for being so patient with me being such a slow swimmer.
Sabah Ultra TMBT. Of course I wasn't ready for it. But I already paid. So I went. And tried my level best at a shot of finishing it. Even though I couldn't run for jack shit. And I'm bragging about that?
Powerman. I only scraped through the 5 hour cut off in the last minutes of 4 hours 57 mins. THIS ONE YES I AM PROUD of finishing it. For the simple fact that I struggled so hard to maintain running and not walk. Cycling is not my forte. But I will make it soon.
I skipped PBIM and there was flooding in Bangkok so I had that week off as a break.
Then I went to Phuket, dumping ALL my money into the registrations, the hotel, the flight, the car rental, EVERYTHING. Except travel insurance and medical insurance. And then I crashed in the LPT. I never even took my race pack for the IM70.3. When you put all your eggs in one basket thinking THIS IS IT. You just need to get through this and you're all sort out for the year. Then I crashed and couldn't earn both finishings. I am bragging about that huh? I am damn proud of that huh?
You know what? Skrew it lah. I am VERY happy to switch from the running only community to the triathlon community. The really fast and good triathletes seem to keep quiet and just do their thing. Showtime is during race day.
I am learning to try and be like that. I don't need to justify my existence. You may think I am not worthy just because I don't run as fast as you, but really, isn't running supposed to be for one own's accomplishment? And why is there SO MUCH politics in the running community. Isn't it supposed to be JUST RUN!??? Not anymore I guess. Now it's allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll politics and popularity. I want out. I will run when I have recovered from these injuries. But I am running to make it in IMWA. I don't need to run to beat anybody.
Just like what Michelle Looi has advised me, it's time to fix my timing in the short distances so I earn more confidence. And then I will work my way up to fix my marathon timings. I am very very very grateful for Sifu Richard Tang. I am also grateful for the real friends who are very objective. My problem with so and so is my problem with so and so. You don't have to make it your problem. Unless YOU have a problem with me kan? I'm not asking you to take sides.I am very appreciative of the friends who can look at things objectively and NOT take sides.
Until today I am also very proud of my bootcamp friends even though I have dropped out of bootcamp. The ones who don't make any noise, they quietly register and the results show themselves on race day. THOSE are real heroes. Don't need to make so much hooha. They are strong. They know it.
If there's one thing I have learnt from all my triathlon attempts, is that THIS is what I really want. I will never make it to Boston. It's not what I want. But I'm going to go all out and try my level best to make it in WA. Just because I cycled and ran, but if I didn't finish the swim, the whole tri is a DNF. That's the painful thing I learnt from HSBC UK. And that's the number one thing that's spurring me on now. To try my best. And I wait another 29 days before I get the green light to try and run again. In the meantime?
Adios Pistachios. Just do what YOU want.
Firstly, I recently heard that I might be the one who accused Khairul Anuar of taking drugs to slim down. It is NOT ME. To whomever that pundek is who suka hati accused KA and then accused ME of being the one who said KA takes drugs. Skrew you. Pundek. If you dare to accuse, you better dare own up. People who've known me since school will know that if I berani buat, I berani mengaku. I'm not a bloody fake like you.
Secondly, I saw that I'm being accused of BRAGGING about my triathlons, and hundred km's and being emotional. Helo? Am I a robot? Just because I am outspoken, so I'm labelled as emotional and suicidal? So be it. BUT I am thoroughly confused as to how is it that I am bragging about my triathlons and my hundred km's. People who swam with me when I first started, KNOW how hard it was for me to cross over to the deep end, to let go off the rim of the pool and swim back and how I FINALLY got over my fear in swimming. My timings for triathlons are NOTHING to shout about. I'm only proud that I finally learnt to swim. At this age. YES I AM DAMN PROUD OF THAT.
My hundred km's? My first 100 km was 17 hours 38mins. Cut off 18 hours. My second 100km was 34 hours 41mins. Cut off 36 hours. And I'm bragging about those? When I'm just scraping through the cut offs? Really? I am??? Wow.
To the people who recently found themselves deleted. Yes. When I crashed, I realised I was supposed to die. This was also the time I found out who was really a friend and who wasn't. So my question is why are you still in my list when it's obvious you are not a friend and you're one of those who are happy that I crashed. Why are we being fake to continue being friends? Just delete lah, kan senang?
I thought all this while that I've been writing the truth and I've been very straight. Apparently the ones who are NOT on my friend list OR friends with me, seem to find it their place to accuse me of this and that.
You know what? Skrew it. Why I switched to triathlons after running so much in the first half of the year. Simple. I wanted to try and finish the 100km. I did. Then I WANTED THAT FREE TRIP TO UK AND THE CHANCE TO REPRESENT HSBC IN THEIR TRIATHLONS. And I got it. For the simple fact that I forced myself to learn how to swim, just so I can get there. I think this is mine. It's not for YOU to criticise me and accuse me of all sorts of shit.
Hoohathlon. I only started to really swim laps in June. REALLY swimming laps yeah. I went in Pullman Lake and I almost drowned. If not for Raymond Tan, I wouldn't have even finished Hoohathlon. And yet people didn't understand why I cried. You didn't sink. That's why you didn't understand.
PD Tri. Again, I didn't know how to make myself go in the sea. If not for Grace, I wouldn't have finished the whole damn thing. But I managed to. I know I wasn't fair to her. I owe her and Kash for being able to start out in triathlons even. I don't know when or how can I make it up to them, I'm still looking.
HSBC UK Tri. My dream. I just wanted that free trip to the triathlons. I didn't know how the heck do I get chosen. I just know I had to try. And I managed to be chosen. I didn't finish the second lap of the swim.
Desaru Sprint AND Long Distance. Yes. My fault for not having the courage to battle through the swim in the LD. I only managed to do it in the Sprint when Paul swam beside me.
Miri Tri. This time I had Richard Tang to guide me. His only wish for me was simple. Just to get through the swim on my own with no one beside me. And I did for both OD and Sprint. Just by following his instructions. Swim non stop for 2km without your feet touching the floor of the pool. Lucky for me, the pool that we are using in bukit jalil, does not let you touch the floor for the whole 50m. When you first jump in, it's already 2 meters. Then it goes to 3 meters That's how I eventually got used to the notion of my feet not touching the ground or the floor for the whole swim. THIS is thanks to Hafiz and Gin Hai for fighting for our rights to use that pool. Also thanks to Saiful for being so patient with me being such a slow swimmer.
Sabah Ultra TMBT. Of course I wasn't ready for it. But I already paid. So I went. And tried my level best at a shot of finishing it. Even though I couldn't run for jack shit. And I'm bragging about that?
Powerman. I only scraped through the 5 hour cut off in the last minutes of 4 hours 57 mins. THIS ONE YES I AM PROUD of finishing it. For the simple fact that I struggled so hard to maintain running and not walk. Cycling is not my forte. But I will make it soon.
I skipped PBIM and there was flooding in Bangkok so I had that week off as a break.
Then I went to Phuket, dumping ALL my money into the registrations, the hotel, the flight, the car rental, EVERYTHING. Except travel insurance and medical insurance. And then I crashed in the LPT. I never even took my race pack for the IM70.3. When you put all your eggs in one basket thinking THIS IS IT. You just need to get through this and you're all sort out for the year. Then I crashed and couldn't earn both finishings. I am bragging about that huh? I am damn proud of that huh?
You know what? Skrew it lah. I am VERY happy to switch from the running only community to the triathlon community. The really fast and good triathletes seem to keep quiet and just do their thing. Showtime is during race day.
I am learning to try and be like that. I don't need to justify my existence. You may think I am not worthy just because I don't run as fast as you, but really, isn't running supposed to be for one own's accomplishment? And why is there SO MUCH politics in the running community. Isn't it supposed to be JUST RUN!??? Not anymore I guess. Now it's allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll politics and popularity. I want out. I will run when I have recovered from these injuries. But I am running to make it in IMWA. I don't need to run to beat anybody.
Just like what Michelle Looi has advised me, it's time to fix my timing in the short distances so I earn more confidence. And then I will work my way up to fix my marathon timings. I am very very very grateful for Sifu Richard Tang. I am also grateful for the real friends who are very objective. My problem with so and so is my problem with so and so. You don't have to make it your problem. Unless YOU have a problem with me kan? I'm not asking you to take sides.I am very appreciative of the friends who can look at things objectively and NOT take sides.
Until today I am also very proud of my bootcamp friends even though I have dropped out of bootcamp. The ones who don't make any noise, they quietly register and the results show themselves on race day. THOSE are real heroes. Don't need to make so much hooha. They are strong. They know it.
If there's one thing I have learnt from all my triathlon attempts, is that THIS is what I really want. I will never make it to Boston. It's not what I want. But I'm going to go all out and try my level best to make it in WA. Just because I cycled and ran, but if I didn't finish the swim, the whole tri is a DNF. That's the painful thing I learnt from HSBC UK. And that's the number one thing that's spurring me on now. To try my best. And I wait another 29 days before I get the green light to try and run again. In the meantime?
Adios Pistachios. Just do what YOU want.
Friday, 9 December 2011
Why girls need to be empowered with information
Erm.... yeah. I didn't die. I'm still alive. Anyway, Jaja Shah-Mohen posted this topic on her wall today and I really would like to talk about it, for the simple fact that I'm sick of people who act holier than thou.
http://health.yahoo.net/news/s/ap/us_med_morning_after_pill#.TuIARIWGrro.facebook
Basically what this link is about is that Barack Obama is saying it is common sense not to sell morning after pills to girls under the age of 17. I am saying, don't ban the sale to under age girls. Just don't promote it as the last resort either.
Firstly let's get this straight. I am not advocating that kids still at schooling age to have free sex whenever they feel like it. BUT what year are we in? Free porn is everywhere. Kids will have sex. And they will do it more than 4 times in a month. But if you've bought these morning after pills before, you'd know that you're not supposed to eat them more than 4 times in a month. It really affects your bones and these are stuff you feel it almost instantaneously. Every time I go in the pharmacy to buy something and you're told to write your details in the log book, I can see a trend of girls buying Postinor.
And I really hate this, because those girls are probably told it is okay to eat this morning after pills as a last resort. "We are not sexually active. We only do this what? 7 times a month?????" Yeah right. Please lah.
I am writing this from an angle of someone who has been abused since 6-7 years old until I was 17. I'm not going to go into details because I have learnt things the hard way that it doesn't make people understand why I am the way I am. But I'm still going to write it, because I want people who act like they are so damn goody to wake up and realise that YOU have a duty to tell these girls everything they need to know. Maybe you walk away thinking, let someone else do it. It's just not going to be me. What if NO ONE tells the girl anyway and whatever she knows is just based on what she picked up from friends WHO DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER? Seriously???
Who are the ones pressuring the girls into having sex? Maybe it's the boy. Maybe she just wants to fit in. Maybe she was coerced into it, thinking the boy will stay and love her. Maybe she was raped. Maybe she was told this is the way of life by her stepfather. Have you ever thought about it? Whatever it is, the onus is always on the girl to take care of herself. If I ever have daughters, I WILL talk to them about sex and contraceptives. I'm not going to pretend it won't happen to my daughter. If anything I've learnt so far, all the things you think WON'T happen to you, can happen and will happen.
Teach them about what happens when you have sex too early. When you're not ready. When you're coerced into it. When you're forced into it. Maybe you think at 14, they are too young to be on the monthly 21 day pill. But kids are having sex as young as 11 and getting pregnant the moment they hit puberty. And girls are getting their monthly periods much earlier nowadays. WHAT are you going to do about it?
Depending on what religion you are, I guess this dictates your decision. I'm not going to say which one is better. For the simple fact that I am not holy. Please. I believe in God. Period. But I'm not going to transform you. Or preach to you. I believe in God only because He is the reason I am still alive today. He is the reason I hang on to every single thread of Hope until today.
But please lah. Banning the sales of morning after pills to under 17 year old girls will NOT stop them from having sex. Especially if they're being forced into it. You don't have to promote it. But really don't ban it either. It's better if the guy is wearing condoms (which doesn't break, of course) or the girl is on a 21 day pill. No. Withdrawal method isn't any better. She can still get pregnant.
Okay this topic is ALOT wider and too much to cover. I'm just saying that I disagree with what Barack Obama is doing about this.
http://health.yahoo.net/news/s/ap/us_med_morning_after_pill#.TuIARIWGrro.facebook
Basically what this link is about is that Barack Obama is saying it is common sense not to sell morning after pills to girls under the age of 17. I am saying, don't ban the sale to under age girls. Just don't promote it as the last resort either.
Firstly let's get this straight. I am not advocating that kids still at schooling age to have free sex whenever they feel like it. BUT what year are we in? Free porn is everywhere. Kids will have sex. And they will do it more than 4 times in a month. But if you've bought these morning after pills before, you'd know that you're not supposed to eat them more than 4 times in a month. It really affects your bones and these are stuff you feel it almost instantaneously. Every time I go in the pharmacy to buy something and you're told to write your details in the log book, I can see a trend of girls buying Postinor.
And I really hate this, because those girls are probably told it is okay to eat this morning after pills as a last resort. "We are not sexually active. We only do this what? 7 times a month?????" Yeah right. Please lah.
I am writing this from an angle of someone who has been abused since 6-7 years old until I was 17. I'm not going to go into details because I have learnt things the hard way that it doesn't make people understand why I am the way I am. But I'm still going to write it, because I want people who act like they are so damn goody to wake up and realise that YOU have a duty to tell these girls everything they need to know. Maybe you walk away thinking, let someone else do it. It's just not going to be me. What if NO ONE tells the girl anyway and whatever she knows is just based on what she picked up from friends WHO DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER? Seriously???
Who are the ones pressuring the girls into having sex? Maybe it's the boy. Maybe she just wants to fit in. Maybe she was coerced into it, thinking the boy will stay and love her. Maybe she was raped. Maybe she was told this is the way of life by her stepfather. Have you ever thought about it? Whatever it is, the onus is always on the girl to take care of herself. If I ever have daughters, I WILL talk to them about sex and contraceptives. I'm not going to pretend it won't happen to my daughter. If anything I've learnt so far, all the things you think WON'T happen to you, can happen and will happen.
Teach them about what happens when you have sex too early. When you're not ready. When you're coerced into it. When you're forced into it. Maybe you think at 14, they are too young to be on the monthly 21 day pill. But kids are having sex as young as 11 and getting pregnant the moment they hit puberty. And girls are getting their monthly periods much earlier nowadays. WHAT are you going to do about it?
Depending on what religion you are, I guess this dictates your decision. I'm not going to say which one is better. For the simple fact that I am not holy. Please. I believe in God. Period. But I'm not going to transform you. Or preach to you. I believe in God only because He is the reason I am still alive today. He is the reason I hang on to every single thread of Hope until today.
But please lah. Banning the sales of morning after pills to under 17 year old girls will NOT stop them from having sex. Especially if they're being forced into it. You don't have to promote it. But really don't ban it either. It's better if the guy is wearing condoms (which doesn't break, of course) or the girl is on a 21 day pill. No. Withdrawal method isn't any better. She can still get pregnant.
Okay this topic is ALOT wider and too much to cover. I'm just saying that I disagree with what Barack Obama is doing about this.
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
This may be my last
As most of you know by now, I didn't finish the LPT as I crashed in the bike leg. All I remember, was that the swimming was damn tough, for the reason that the buoys were spread very far apart and there was nothing in between. This was nothing like Uncle Chan's or Miri's triathlons where you are so pampered with so many buoys so all you have to do is breathe on the right or left and there's always a buoy to sight. In the LPT, there were only like 6 buoys in the sea and another 3 in the lake. You had to sight often. And this is where yours truly wasted alot of time sighting, especially since the sun was directly in our eyes!
I got through the swim within the cut off time. And I thought I was safe already. I've always spent alot of time swimming as I thought that was what I needed most work on. Little did I know what Phuket had in store for me. The cycling leg is known to be tough and hilly. But I really didn't expect to lose control and crash head on into a divider/road barrier thing. I remember the marshalls shouting for me to slow down, and I remember shouting back that I am trying. But the brakes that I pressed weren't slowing down the bike at all. They were still spinning fast. I remember hitting the rail/divider, flipping over and then I completely lost consciousness. When I woke up, I was already in the hospital and the doctor was sewing my leg. I had a neck brace on. But I kept fidgeting with it. I didn't understand what just happened. I thought it was all a dream.
Then I lost consciousness again.
The next time I woke up, they had transferred me to another room. There I waited for Ben, Syerol and Helmy to arrive. I just wanted out. I know I didn't want to stay in the hospital. I saw my things on the floor. But I didn't realise what were stolen until much later. I don't know for how many hours I was unconscious for, since the time I crashed and transported to hospital. But someone helped himself to my things. My Garmin 310xt, my sunglasses, my two water bottles, and all the nutrition were missing. Maybe they are strewn all over the crash site, as I haven't gone back to the crash site, but for sure someone unstrapped my Garmin as that won't simply come off. You would have to unstrap it from me. I also learnt from Roman that where I crashed was actually a cliff. I don't remember seeing a cliff at all.
Anyway, I am very fortunate that these guys came. When I told the doctor I wanted to discharge and then the clerk gave the bill, holy macaroni it was MYR4,900 just for that how many hours! I just wanted out. I cannot afford to incur an even higher bill.
The doctor wanted me to stay in hospital overnight for observation. He said I just had 27 stitches and I have a blood clot in my brain. I only know that when I get up, I seem to lose balance and fall over the other side easily. When I walk, I also lose balance as my right leg can suddenly buckle under me. When I lie down, if it's pressing the left, for sure my head spins. I also tend to black out and don't remember what just happened. But despite all that, I still harbour hopes of a miracle. I still want to do the 70.3
I don't expect you to understand why I insists on doing it. This was supposed to be the finale of the year. I've already been robbed of the LPT finisher medal. It will kill me to stand on the sidelines and just watch others get what I should be earning too.
To the one who just can't find it in his heart to be nice to me, but instead always wish better things for other people at the expense of my misfortune, just know that I don't harbour hatred towards you. I wish you could be the bigger person and just be nice to me, something that is difficult for you to do. But it's okay. Maybe someday you can finally find it in your heart.
To the other one who seem to find it funny to make cycling jokes, well. It's your prerogative. I don't find it funny at all. I think only when one is put through this kind of suffering will the person understand what it means to have the bigger heart.
I wish things would be different. But this is the path I will follow. This may be the very last thing I write. I'm still going for it. It's what I want. If my brain cannot take it, and I died. Just know that it is my wish.
You guys take care of yourselves. Follow your dreams. Don't let anything hold you back. God bless.
I got through the swim within the cut off time. And I thought I was safe already. I've always spent alot of time swimming as I thought that was what I needed most work on. Little did I know what Phuket had in store for me. The cycling leg is known to be tough and hilly. But I really didn't expect to lose control and crash head on into a divider/road barrier thing. I remember the marshalls shouting for me to slow down, and I remember shouting back that I am trying. But the brakes that I pressed weren't slowing down the bike at all. They were still spinning fast. I remember hitting the rail/divider, flipping over and then I completely lost consciousness. When I woke up, I was already in the hospital and the doctor was sewing my leg. I had a neck brace on. But I kept fidgeting with it. I didn't understand what just happened. I thought it was all a dream.
Then I lost consciousness again.
The next time I woke up, they had transferred me to another room. There I waited for Ben, Syerol and Helmy to arrive. I just wanted out. I know I didn't want to stay in the hospital. I saw my things on the floor. But I didn't realise what were stolen until much later. I don't know for how many hours I was unconscious for, since the time I crashed and transported to hospital. But someone helped himself to my things. My Garmin 310xt, my sunglasses, my two water bottles, and all the nutrition were missing. Maybe they are strewn all over the crash site, as I haven't gone back to the crash site, but for sure someone unstrapped my Garmin as that won't simply come off. You would have to unstrap it from me. I also learnt from Roman that where I crashed was actually a cliff. I don't remember seeing a cliff at all.
Anyway, I am very fortunate that these guys came. When I told the doctor I wanted to discharge and then the clerk gave the bill, holy macaroni it was MYR4,900 just for that how many hours! I just wanted out. I cannot afford to incur an even higher bill.
The doctor wanted me to stay in hospital overnight for observation. He said I just had 27 stitches and I have a blood clot in my brain. I only know that when I get up, I seem to lose balance and fall over the other side easily. When I walk, I also lose balance as my right leg can suddenly buckle under me. When I lie down, if it's pressing the left, for sure my head spins. I also tend to black out and don't remember what just happened. But despite all that, I still harbour hopes of a miracle. I still want to do the 70.3
I don't expect you to understand why I insists on doing it. This was supposed to be the finale of the year. I've already been robbed of the LPT finisher medal. It will kill me to stand on the sidelines and just watch others get what I should be earning too.
To the one who just can't find it in his heart to be nice to me, but instead always wish better things for other people at the expense of my misfortune, just know that I don't harbour hatred towards you. I wish you could be the bigger person and just be nice to me, something that is difficult for you to do. But it's okay. Maybe someday you can finally find it in your heart.
To the other one who seem to find it funny to make cycling jokes, well. It's your prerogative. I don't find it funny at all. I think only when one is put through this kind of suffering will the person understand what it means to have the bigger heart.
I wish things would be different. But this is the path I will follow. This may be the very last thing I write. I'm still going for it. It's what I want. If my brain cannot take it, and I died. Just know that it is my wish.
You guys take care of yourselves. Follow your dreams. Don't let anything hold you back. God bless.
Sunday, 20 November 2011
LAGUNA PHUKET 2011 TRI-FEST : The Laguna Phuket Triathlon and the Ironman 70.3
There is a double Triathlon taking place in Laguna Phuket (the same venue we went for Phuket marathon) this weekend, 27th Nov and next weekend, 4th Dec. The Laguna Phuket Triathlon is sort of like an Olympic Distance but slightly longer. Swim 1.8km, Bike 55km, Run 12km. Then the Ironman 70.3 is ... well a half ironman distance. Swim 1.9km, Bike 90km, Run 21km. Yes. I am doing both. Yes. I am both FREAKING EXCITED and shitting bricks at the same time. Check out the swim start lah!!!
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| And this is only Wave 1??? |
Firstly, look at the amount of people. Holy macaroni. IF you are brave enough to stand in front, be prepared for all the kicks and punches. IF you're apprehensive like me, you'd better pray we're put in wave 3. But we have no control on which wave we're put in. Why is there so many people? Well. The LPT is in the list of must do triathlons around the world. For the 70.3? Well, there are 30 qualifying slots to Kona.
Now have you seen the swim route? As far as I know, this swim course of swimming in the sea and then the lake/lagoon is unique only to Phuket.
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| Start on the beach with that mega crowd. Swim 1180m (for the LPT) and 1280m (for the IM70.3) within 45mins then run on the beach, jump into the lake/lagoon, swim another 620m and come out within 1 hour 10mins in total, before you get to T1. All bikes must be out of T1 by 1 hour 15mins from the swim start. Excellent. Well done. As if I don't have enough pressure right? |
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| I kinda recognise the route from Phuket marathon.... I think. Do we go through the villages and rubber plantations??? I remember the rubber plantations being hilly. |
Now the route for IM70.3 is different and here's an excerpt from the website.
Bike 90 km / 56 miles
The bike course differs from the Laguna Phuket Triathlon bike course by taking competitors towards the township of Thalang located on the main north-south highway 402 which cyclists will cross by dismounting to traverse a ramp and pedestrian bridge. Once on the east side of the 402 cyclists will continue on a partial out and back course with two coastal loops on narrow, winding roads before returning to the cross the 402 pedestrian bridge again to return to Laguna Phuket. The course includes some extremely steep hilly sections on a quiet coastal road in the Island’s north east. Drafting is illegal. Suggested equipment includes a minimum of two water bottle cages. Athletes should consider 24-28 tooth rear cassettes to ease the difficulty of hill climbs. Some of the road surfaces may be rough and athletes should use durable tires.
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| I have to dismount and CARRY my bike over a ramp and pedestrian bridge somewhere before 402 and again when I return!!! |
They even recommend that your rear tooth cassette is 24-28 in order to tackle the hills. I only have 25. And I don't have enough hill training. Except for that hill in Miri tri. And that bridge during Powerman.
WAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..................................... I am so dead.
The run course for the LPT seems pretty straightforward. Run two laps within Laguna itself.
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| I should be able to tackle this kuar...... I remember it is quite flat inside Laguna. Err... except when we entered Laguna from those rich big bungalows during Phuket marathon. THAT WAS A HILL! Oh wait. I'm not going there right? Am I? sigh... we'll find out. |
Now the run course for the IM70.3 looks like this.
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| What is this??? Where are we going??? HELPPPPPP!!!!! This one for sure I am passing by those hills. |
I skipped Penang Bridge marathon to keep my legs fresh for Phuket. I am definitely gona give it 300%. This is it. The finale for the year. Ironman 70.3 Phuket. To avenge UK. To avenge Desaru LD. For what I couldn't do before, I sure as hell am gona make sure I do it this time. When the horn blows for the swim start, I will not hesitate anymore. I will not wait for the crowd to clear first, anymore. I. Will.Go.All.Out. May the best kicker and puncher survive.
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
Sabah Ultra 2011 - 100km Trail - The Most Beautiful Thing
Sabah Ultra 100km Trail Route map.
Most of the participants arrived on Friday, as the race started on Saturday for everyone. The 50km and 100km-ers were flagged off together from CP1, where as the 25km-ers started off from CP3 which is Kg Bundu (I think). We started off at 7am on Saturday.
Even from the starting line, you get a beautiful mountain view like this.
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| Beautiful backdrop |
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| Steph, John, Me, Terence and Tony! |
From CP2 to CP5, it was quite an interesting route. We crossed a few hanging bridges and waist deep river streams. We climbed hills and ran past paddy fields.
Nobody realised this, but during briefing the night before, when Aman and Claus explained there would be hanging bridges and river crossings, I was actually crying silently. I have a fear of heights which most people don't know. And I have a phobia of wooden bridges. On two separate occasions, a plank broke under my weight and I went in the drain. Another time, half of the plank broke and my left leg went in and I was dangling. Anyhow, I was lucky to have Terence and he taught me how to tackle the hanging bridges so I managed to get through all of them safely.
When we finally reached CP5, it was about 8pm ish. As you know the sun sets in Sabah earlier, it's already dark by 6pm. Tony and Adeline were still there waiting for Terence to reach. CP5 is where you finish for 50km-ers. And so this was the end of the journey for Terence. Tony and Adeline was also in the 50km category. This meant from here on, I will be on my own. Tony, Adeline and Terence advised me to stop. Since it is really dark, it's dangerous and I will be alone. Plus the issue that I didn't bring my phone. I couldn't call anyone if something happened. I didn't bring the phone because I didn't have time to source for a cheap phone. I didn't want to bring the BB as I did for Sundown Ultra and the phone couldn't start after the race. I basically took a huge risk for being phoneless in Sabah Ultra.
After eating some rice and chicken, I changed socks and repacked my bag. Terence had wanted to give me his water reservoir, as I discovered my Camelbak was leaking water at CP3. I was actually carrying a useless Camelbak. I decided not to switch water reservoirs. Just rely on the bottled waters. Took 3 bottles and off I went. I wasn't exactly alone. I found Sunny and Serkawi was also trying to reach CP6, so we went off together. At first I was faster, but eventually I needed Sunny to help me climb the hill after those steps on the way to CP6. It was really damn dark. I was using the free Energizer headlamp from the Energizer run.
When we finally found CP6, it turned out to be someone's house. From the back of his house, is where we used the steep narrow ridges which were pineapple plantations, to get to CP6A's loop, which turned out to be a really dense primary forest. Rain had started pouring down. As you can guess, it was really slippery and muddy and extremely dangerous. One wrong step and you will roll all the way down. And I mean all the way down.
Again, my line of sight was probably only 5 meters visibility in front? We were very very very slow. Very careful not to slip and roll down. At one point, we were tired, so we stopped and sat for a minute. I took out Allan's Garmin and saw that we've been climbing like this?
On our way in, many were already on their way out, and we were advised that the bamboo bridge and the other metal bridge were very slippery. There were also 2 river crossings in and another 2 coming out.
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| I have no idea how I found the energy to keep hauling myself up, this picture doesn't do justice, but as steep a descend it was going down, it's also the same steep ascend going back up. I basically clawed my way out using the tree roots. |
When we reached CP7, it was about 4am. I had three hours to find CP8 if I wanted to make the 7am cut off. There, Sunny and Serkawi stopped. It's also where I found Paul by accident. I had no idea that he also withdrew. My heart sank. If even Paul withdrew, what chance do I have? But I was adamant on trying, as there's still another 3 hours. Paul encouraged me to go for it. So I did.
From then on, I was entirely alone.
It took me about an hour to get down from CP7 to the foothill where you will meet the sandy construction area. Why? Because I took the steps down. I know Paul said to go straight and not the steps, but the map showed to go back where you came from. So I stubbornly did not listen to Paul and took the steps down. I knew that once I reach the foothill, I can start running again. I just needed to turn right because CP5 was on the left. Once I cleared the steps I tried to start running, but it was dark and I couldn't see properly. After just about 10mins, two cars came by, and it was them from CP7. They've bundled into the car and they're going back to base. They tried to persuade me to come into the car as well. But I didn't want to. I STILL wanted to try to make it to CP8. I know they are worried about me, but seriously, if I DNF-ed because I was incapable of reaching CP8 in time, then I would accept defeat. But if you're asking me to DNF just because it is dark and I am alone? I cannot accept. I've lived my whole life in darkness and loneliness. I still want to try.
I ran straight all the way till the end and came across this thing. It was after the hydro electric station thingy.
I knew I didn't come from here on saturday. And I didn't want to cross the river myself. I backtracked and finally saw what I missed. The bridge.
Crossed the bridge. And then I forgot if I'm supposed to turn left or right. I turned left at first. Ran up the incline. Didn't see any orange markers. Ran down back to the bridge. Still didn't recognise the path. Ran back up the incline again. THEN I saw the gate. Recognised the gate, went through the gate, followed the orange markers that went through the field. AND THEN I SAW PEOPLE wearing the white TMBT shirt and I started shouting "Are you CP8?!! Are you CP8?!!!!!!" They started clapping and I rannnnnnnnn!!! I was SO HAPPY I reached it in time!!! My watch showed 6:46am. I managed to scrape through the 7am cut off.
I counted there were 8 people chilling at CP8. I was the LAST ONE to check in and meet the cut off. I quickly took some more water and ran off. I had a shot at finishing!!! I had a shot of not being last!!! YES YES YES!!! Let's go!!! What I failed to realise, is that those 8 people had the chance to rest. I think they also had the chance to sleep. I didn't. I've been on the go since 7am on saturday and it's now 24 hours later. I only managed to stay ahead until CP9.
One by one, they caught up to me after CP9. And in the end I became third last. Oh well.
Apart from the reason that the minimus was hurting alot on the gravel, was also the back of the shoe that was pressing against my heel. That middle part of the heel of the shoe there, the texture is really hard.
I think it's a default in the shoe, because the left shoe doesn't press the heel of my left foot. Only this right shoe does. It hurt so badly by this time, for a while I was walking with this.
After a few kilometers, a kind samaritan named Albert who is part of the SAC team stopped and lent me his sandals.
It was kinda oversized but if not for Albert, I wouldn't even last until CP10. The road to CP10 was really mental. Simply because it was a never ending road of gravel, ascending then descending, ascending descending. And ascending then descending and ascending then descending and over and over and over again. I had another 20km to go.
But along the way, I was rewarded with a view like this. I'm glad that I went through this route during the day. If I was so fast, and did it at night, I'd be missing this view. This was simply an amazing view of the mountains. My photo doesn't do justice since I didn't know how the heck to paste a panoramic picture together.
When I finally reached CP10, I had taken about 3.5 hours from CP9. By then I felt so dejected. I was in high spirits when I cleared CP8 and CP9, thinking I'd be done by afternoon. But I was so wrong.
I left CP10 after the medics there attended to my feet. By then it was 2pm. I was greeted with another hanging bridge.
I only had 5 hours left to walk the remaining rolling 12km hills from CP10 to the finishing line. You would think that is more than enough time. But by this hour, I could only do about 3-4kilometers per hour. It was another never ending gravel. Like the others, I was also looking for the finishing banner at any turning off the road. But that fnishing banner never materialised. Instead, the ending was.... go into the jungle trail again.
Came out to ANOTHER hanging bridge.
By this time, I think there's been about 9 hanging bridges and obviously my phobia for them have diminished and I no longer fear heights with all the climbing I had to do.
After the last hanging bridge, I went into another trail which eventually led me to this school/clinic/hall and the FINAL ending was actually behind it, with a riverside for you to clean up.
I was very very very fortunate that I had Steph and John waiting for me to come out. They had been waiting there since afternoon! Not knowing what time I will make it out. I didn't know that they would be there either. And the whole time I was fighting through the night and the morning and the hot afternoon for a shot at finishing, I was convinced nobody would realise that I'm still out there. Later I learned, not only Steph and John waited for me at this finishing, but back at the hotel, there were still good friends who checked every hour with each check point to find out where I am and whether I had returned or not. Thank you all so much for that.
What are the most valuable lessons I have learnt from this race? It's not a race to help you achieve your dreams. It's not a race for first timers. It's not a race for you to mess around with, without training and expect to blaze through. This race will either make you or break you. What it did for me? It really really really really really really really really forced me to be patient. I finished with an official timing of 34 hours 41 mins. I sincerely don't know how I could stand being out there for so long, just for a shot at finishing. You need to remember, the longer you are out there, the more you suffer. So if you're thinking of joining next year with the same game plan as me, just walking it through, I'd strongly advise you to think again. This race is ABSOLUTELY mental. It is a mind game from the start to the finish.
All those times when I almost slipped and fell from the steep narrow ridges, seriously I was asking for trouble. I had no phone with me, I couldn't call for help. If you fall and you're alone, you can shout till the cows come home, but no one can hear you. If you don't have a good sense of direction, you will get lost and it will cost you time. And three days later, I still have oedema. Blood is not flowing normally up from my feet. They are still swollen. The price you have to pay for 100k of banjaran crocker.
On a brighter side, this race has also changed me. I am known to come back from races, shouting and cursing. But when I came back for this one, I was just so relieved it was finally over. I didn't even run to the finishing line to "finish strong". I didn't strangle Aman as I originally planned. Instead, I smiled for Steph's video. I just walked to the finish line. Got my finisher medal. And I managed to have a calm conversation with Aman and say positive things.
This is my second 100km race this year. And my fourth ultra distance this year. How do I feel? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I still feel empty.
Nevertheless, congrats to each and everyone of us who signed up for this adventure. Regardless of whether you finished or didn't finish, we still had the chance to run through banjaran crocker which under normal circumstances, we wouldn't be coming through here at all. We experienced what the village folks use on a daily basis. We saw things we would never see back in KL.
Till the next one.........
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
Death
What is it like when you're gone? Would anyone really miss you? Would anyone cry for you? Would anyone even be at your funeral?
These days, I feel so jaded by the whole racing thing. The series of DNFs that started since UK, is taking its toll on me. I am seriously physically, emotionally and mentally drained. I cry while driving, while swimming, while running, while at work, while sitting on the golden throne, in the plane, anywhere. I just cannot take it anymore. I don't even know what the hell am I doing anymore. Guided by my own moral compass, I can't differentiate what's right or wrong anymore. I keep hurting the people who had truly cared about me. And I keep caring too much about the ones who really doesn't give two shits about me.
Mount Kinabalu Climbathon weekend was supposed to be a get-away for me too. But things didn't quite turn out how I thought it would. And now I've even lost just that ONE person who was the last one I could turn to.
This endurance sports scene, is freaking mental if you ask me. It's not just about who is the strongest and fastest, it's also about who will last the longest in years to come. And I don't see myself being around for long. Hell, I don't even see myself living past 40. Or settling down, and having a husband, with 3 kids in tow and fighting over the mortgage and growing old together. I feel like I am running out of time. That I only ever get one shot. And when it's gone, it's really gone. I will never get it back.
I am so tired that nothing else matters anymore. Not Miri tri this weekend. Not TMBT next weekend. Definitely not Powerman, or SCBM. Not even LPT and IM70.3 Phuket anymore. What does it matter? Whether I make it or not, I don't think I will find the ending I am looking for. When I finished the Sundown 100km Ultra, I felt so empty and then I signed up for the Sabah Ultra 100km Ultra trail, thinking maybe I will find what I am looking for in this one. What am I looking for? I can't even answer that. I just know I haven't "arrived".
People misunderstand me as trying to show off what I can do. What they don't know is that they have already achieved alot more than me. You already have everything, a husband, a wife, beautiful kids, a fulfiling job, inner peace with yourself and a relationship with God, you already have everything. I don't. I'm still searching.
Just that one of these days, I might actually be successful in killing myself. By then it will be too late to fix anything.
These days, I feel so jaded by the whole racing thing. The series of DNFs that started since UK, is taking its toll on me. I am seriously physically, emotionally and mentally drained. I cry while driving, while swimming, while running, while at work, while sitting on the golden throne, in the plane, anywhere. I just cannot take it anymore. I don't even know what the hell am I doing anymore. Guided by my own moral compass, I can't differentiate what's right or wrong anymore. I keep hurting the people who had truly cared about me. And I keep caring too much about the ones who really doesn't give two shits about me.
Mount Kinabalu Climbathon weekend was supposed to be a get-away for me too. But things didn't quite turn out how I thought it would. And now I've even lost just that ONE person who was the last one I could turn to.
This endurance sports scene, is freaking mental if you ask me. It's not just about who is the strongest and fastest, it's also about who will last the longest in years to come. And I don't see myself being around for long. Hell, I don't even see myself living past 40. Or settling down, and having a husband, with 3 kids in tow and fighting over the mortgage and growing old together. I feel like I am running out of time. That I only ever get one shot. And when it's gone, it's really gone. I will never get it back.
I am so tired that nothing else matters anymore. Not Miri tri this weekend. Not TMBT next weekend. Definitely not Powerman, or SCBM. Not even LPT and IM70.3 Phuket anymore. What does it matter? Whether I make it or not, I don't think I will find the ending I am looking for. When I finished the Sundown 100km Ultra, I felt so empty and then I signed up for the Sabah Ultra 100km Ultra trail, thinking maybe I will find what I am looking for in this one. What am I looking for? I can't even answer that. I just know I haven't "arrived".
People misunderstand me as trying to show off what I can do. What they don't know is that they have already achieved alot more than me. You already have everything, a husband, a wife, beautiful kids, a fulfiling job, inner peace with yourself and a relationship with God, you already have everything. I don't. I'm still searching.
Just that one of these days, I might actually be successful in killing myself. By then it will be too late to fix anything.
Sunday, 16 October 2011
The North Face 100km Duo: The most Soh Hai race I ever ran...
The North Face 100. I consider it as one of the elite trail running series around, held in Singapore, Thailand, Philippines, Australia and a few other countries. Of course I am nowhere near the elite level to attempt the 100km solo category. Last year I entered the 50km duo category and I finished it looking like this.
Obviously at that time I swore I will never do it again. But do we ever learn?
This year I entered the 100km duo category and even worse, I don't have any finishing photos as I came out so damn late, the area looked like this when I finally made it back.
And yes. Something is wrong with this picture. Firstly I finished the route from the wrong direction.
Let's start from the beginning shall we?
Early morning, rise and shine! Our first 50km trail run in MacRitchie Reservoir Park, Singapore. My partner for this year was Dzul also known as barefootdzul.
The first time I woke up, it was already 8.30am and I had 88 missed calls from Dzul!!! Shit. I overslept!!! So I rushed to the race site to try and join in the middle of it and I couldn't find Dzul. Of course lah. Race started at 8am mah. Cursing and cursing and cursing... And then I woke up again. This time it was 7.30am!! I'm still late!!! Bloody hell!!! I can't make it in half an hour!!! Curse and curse and curse again.... Then I woke up....FOR REAL...*blink*blink* okie it's 5.30am. Get your bloody ass up right now when it's for real. What the hell... I just had a dream within a dream within a dream.
Got to the race site by 7am as promised and looked for Frank. Found Dannie and Carrie. Found Frank. Got our race kits. Put bags in locker. Found Syah and Kash. Then finally found Dzul. Also met Adam, Mohan and Ben Swee.
Headed for the weigh in and spotted Allan who had just finished his first 50km loop and was going in for his second loop.
Anyway, went in to the weigh in where they measure your gear and hydration to ensure you're starting off with the right amount of fuel. Met Alexander Asree, Razif Yahya and Deo.
The atmosphere was pretty tense. It's like everyone was trying to outdo each other kinda feeling. I know I was shit scared. I have not been building my trail mileage. I have been prioritising swimming over everything else. Anyway, so we were flagged off at 8am sharp. And this year, we didn't run past the toilets. We ran into the bridge thing.
We ran into the trail and Kash was close behind for the first 3km. Dzul and Syah was ahead and I lost Dzul after about 4km. I also lost Kash thereafter. Then Razif, Ijam and Ian passed me. I kept shouting for Kash but no response. (I had TOTALLY FORGOTTEN that you're not supposed to shout your friend's real name in the forest, for superstitious reasons) Anyway, I knew Kash will catch up to me at some point. And true enough by the entry into Durian Loop, Kash found me again.
Kash kept me company until after Mandai check point, as we entered the jungle area after the tarmac, then I lost Kash. Winnie came by soon after, but I lost Winnie too. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I keep up with anybody? Well... firstly, my legs were hurting like hell, as I wore the NB Minimus MT10 and the whole route was full of pebbles and craggly rocks.
It was a HUGE struggle to make it to the 27.7km check point by 1pm for me. It was just continuous barren land of pebbles, pebbles and more pebbles and pebbles and pebbles and more pebbles and more pebbles and pebbles and pebbles and pebbles (you get my drift?) You try running that kind of terrain in your Vibrams or other minimalist shoes and tell me how you feel. When I finally got to the so called check point, there was a medic tent and towels and water. But the check point that checks in your TIMING is AFTER this freaking hill called Hill 265.
I really don't understand why would TNF put the medic tent down there just before this hill and then the timing check point AFTER this hill. Who is going to seek help down there when you have to climb this hill first and then only you'd get to check in up there?
Anyway, so I skipped that water and medic point and tackled this hill just to check in by the 1pm cut off so that I don't get swept by the sweeper bus. Bloody hell that cost me water. Soon after Mohan found me.
I really really regretted wearing the NB Minimus MT10 as it was SO DAMN PAINFUL to endure the pebbles for such a long distance and hilly terrain. The WHOLE time I was cursing sakitgilerbarbieporkeymark
I would say that Mandai loop has got to be the most torturous loop because it was so freaking hot and exposed. No shade. Pebbles, pebbles and more pebbles. I just couldn't wait to get out of it and back into the jungle. Give me the jungle anytimeeeeeeeeeee! When I finally got past the Mandai water point and back into the jungle, I took off my sunglasses and the ground looked like it was just inches from my face man. Bloody hell I'm already delusional. By which time, I had completely lost everybody. I was completely on my own now. Most of the time, there was nobadi, nobadi but me. Just nobadi, nobadi, nobadi but me. And that song haunted me for the remaining way back. Until I met Wee Kiat and Rachel (made new friends) just before the quarry. And followed behind them until Rifle Range. Then I lost them. I don't even remember or know WHERE I lost them. I just know I lost them. Shit. And that's when the problem started.
After the river stream crossing, I came to this fork, which for the life of me, I couldn't remember which one I came from. There were no markers from DirtTraction or TNF. There was a wooden signage by the park itself, which showed turn right for MacRitchie park. A stranger runner passed by and I asked him and he said yes turn right for the park. So I did. I kept going and I came across a second fork. This time there was another behind me who had been following me and he shouted turn left. I looked at him, he was wearing a safra t-shirt. Safra means he's a Singaporean. So I trusted him. I turned left. And then I came across this thing.
In the golf course area, the guy who was behind me was still behind me. I turned and waited for him. I told him we are supposed to run back into the path we used to come in. We did not come in here at all this morning. He said no, no, we are correct. And he continued on. I stood there watching him. Then after about 5 mins, he turned back. And he said....
"I think we are lost"
I wanted to strangle him.
Gee! You think?!?!?!
Then he said but this way will also lead back to the starting line. Really? Sure? Because I don't want to go all the way back to the other side now!!! He told me to go on and please tell them to come back for him as his ankle hurts and his blisters just burst. Wahlauweh helo? You're the second person to give me wrong direction and now I have to run faster to get help for you. Sigh okay fine. And that's another 5km to find the finishing. Shit.
So I went ahead and found myself in ANOTHER trail which was more treacherous as it had more hills and a flying golf ball flew past my face. Because this trail is STILL right beside the golf course. Had I been faster by a few seconds, I would have had a concussion and then we both die there, since he is injured and I'm too heavy for him to lug me. Just great.
Anyhow, eventually I got out of the trail after running along this thing again which snakes around the lake.
When I finally found my way out of EVERYTHING, I was on this side of the lake.
And everybody else.... was finishing from THAT other side of the lake. Shit. I'm on the wrong side. But there's no freaking way I am gona swim across okeh!
And I ended up finishing from behind of the starting line. When everybody else came in from the front. Sigh. I looked at my Garmin. 9 hours 34min. Wahlauweh. Si beh jia lat. Way over the individual cut off time of 9 hours.
Of course, I bitched like hell to the organisers at the finishing tent. How could you not have marshalls or markers at those junctions??? You cannot assume all your contestants are singaporeans and know MacRitchie park like the back of their hands. Their only explanation??? That their markers have been sabotaged by other people. Then I told them to go back inside and rescue the other guy I left behind. Ironically they shoved the map in my face and asked me to show which grid that I left him. Helo? Are you guys retarded? If I understood your map, would I have gotten lost in the first place?????????????? And about 20mins later, he limped by. No one had rescued him. Great event management team this year I see.
Found Allan and Shine. Slumped myself down. Took off my shoes. And my feet looked like this.
But what is the most sickening thing out of ALL THIS? Mohan asked me so what was my distance coming out from the other route? I checked my Garmin. 49.92km. Then he said, go run another 80 meters and come back. WTF? Shit. I am short of 80 meters. Now I cannot claim I finished it because I am short of 80 meters. Bloody hell????? After all that internal fighting and pushing myself through pain, and in the end I am under distance? Bloody hell. Stupid. I felt like the biggest soh hai of all soh hai's in soh hai land. I mean come on? I couldn't make it in the 9 hours, fine. But now I can't even say with conviction that I finished 50km ultra trail simply because I'm short of 80 meters. WTF lah weih. Through no fault of my own. Sorry lah but at that point of time, I didn't feel like running around in circles like an idiot just to make it 50k. Skrew it. It is what it is.
And anyway, the organisers whom I bitched to, already said that they are still taking my timing into account. And they still gave me the medal anyway. By individual timing, I am completely skrewed. But teamwise, Dzul's 8 hour finish gives me that extra 1 hour allowance. Hopefully we will still be listed in the results.
Will I come back next year? I don't think so. Just sit in front of the tv and grow fungus is easier. Seriously.
 | |||
| I only had 8 mins left to cut off time. |
This year I entered the 100km duo category and even worse, I don't have any finishing photos as I came out so damn late, the area looked like this when I finally made it back.
 |
| So cham.... nobody wan.... *sob*sob* :( |
Let's start from the beginning shall we?
Early morning, rise and shine! Our first 50km trail run in MacRitchie Reservoir Park, Singapore. My partner for this year was Dzul also known as barefootdzul.
 |
| Pic from Sasha Farina's Mandai album |
Got to the race site by 7am as promised and looked for Frank. Found Dannie and Carrie. Found Frank. Got our race kits. Put bags in locker. Found Syah and Kash. Then finally found Dzul. Also met Adam, Mohan and Ben Swee.
 |
| Can you spot some similarities? :D |
 |
| Allan went on to finish the whole 100km by himself in 13 hours something. THAT IS FREAKING CONSISTENT with his Sundown 100km Ultra timing in June this year. Helo? Where got normal people have same timing for road race and trail race wan? What are you? Kwai lei gah? Han teng emm hai yan lei geh. :P |
The atmosphere was pretty tense. It's like everyone was trying to outdo each other kinda feeling. I know I was shit scared. I have not been building my trail mileage. I have been prioritising swimming over everything else. Anyway, so we were flagged off at 8am sharp. And this year, we didn't run past the toilets. We ran into the bridge thing.
 |
| Yesh that ish Kash in front. Hehe... this is another supermom who will kick yours and my ass anyday. |
Kash kept me company until after Mandai check point, as we entered the jungle area after the tarmac, then I lost Kash. Winnie came by soon after, but I lost Winnie too. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I keep up with anybody? Well... firstly, my legs were hurting like hell, as I wore the NB Minimus MT10 and the whole route was full of pebbles and craggly rocks.
It was a HUGE struggle to make it to the 27.7km check point by 1pm for me. It was just continuous barren land of pebbles, pebbles and more pebbles and pebbles and pebbles and more pebbles and more pebbles and pebbles and pebbles and pebbles (you get my drift?) You try running that kind of terrain in your Vibrams or other minimalist shoes and tell me how you feel. When I finally got to the so called check point, there was a medic tent and towels and water. But the check point that checks in your TIMING is AFTER this freaking hill called Hill 265.
 |
| I have been dreading facing this hill ever since Shariff aka Singapore Blade Runner mentioned it last year. But surprisingly, I didn't need to crawl on all fours. I managed to stay on my feet. |
Anyway, so I skipped that water and medic point and tackled this hill just to check in by the 1pm cut off so that I don't get swept by the sweeper bus. Bloody hell that cost me water. Soon after Mohan found me.
 | ||||
| And after a while, I also lost Mohan. :( |
I would say that Mandai loop has got to be the most torturous loop because it was so freaking hot and exposed. No shade. Pebbles, pebbles and more pebbles. I just couldn't wait to get out of it and back into the jungle. Give me the jungle anytimeeeeeeeeeee! When I finally got past the Mandai water point and back into the jungle, I took off my sunglasses and the ground looked like it was just inches from my face man. Bloody hell I'm already delusional. By which time, I had completely lost everybody. I was completely on my own now. Most of the time, there was nobadi, nobadi but me. Just nobadi, nobadi, nobadi but me. And that song haunted me for the remaining way back. Until I met Wee Kiat and Rachel (made new friends) just before the quarry. And followed behind them until Rifle Range. Then I lost them. I don't even remember or know WHERE I lost them. I just know I lost them. Shit. And that's when the problem started.
After the river stream crossing, I came to this fork, which for the life of me, I couldn't remember which one I came from. There were no markers from DirtTraction or TNF. There was a wooden signage by the park itself, which showed turn right for MacRitchie park. A stranger runner passed by and I asked him and he said yes turn right for the park. So I did. I kept going and I came across a second fork. This time there was another behind me who had been following me and he shouted turn left. I looked at him, he was wearing a safra t-shirt. Safra means he's a Singaporean. So I trusted him. I turned left. And then I came across this thing.
 | ||||
| This thing was built for you to run above the reservoir water and it eventually led you into the golf course. I KNOW we did not run in here in the morning at all. But I have no idea where the heck I am!!!! |
In the golf course area, the guy who was behind me was still behind me. I turned and waited for him. I told him we are supposed to run back into the path we used to come in. We did not come in here at all this morning. He said no, no, we are correct. And he continued on. I stood there watching him. Then after about 5 mins, he turned back. And he said....
"I think we are lost"
I wanted to strangle him.
Gee! You think?!?!?!
Then he said but this way will also lead back to the starting line. Really? Sure? Because I don't want to go all the way back to the other side now!!! He told me to go on and please tell them to come back for him as his ankle hurts and his blisters just burst. Wahlauweh helo? You're the second person to give me wrong direction and now I have to run faster to get help for you. Sigh okay fine. And that's another 5km to find the finishing. Shit.
So I went ahead and found myself in ANOTHER trail which was more treacherous as it had more hills and a flying golf ball flew past my face. Because this trail is STILL right beside the golf course. Had I been faster by a few seconds, I would have had a concussion and then we both die there, since he is injured and I'm too heavy for him to lug me. Just great.
Anyhow, eventually I got out of the trail after running along this thing again which snakes around the lake.
 |
| Yeah. Disillusioned until cannot snap a picture straight. |
 |
| What the hell man??!!!???! |
 |
| I came from the wrong freaking way. |
And I ended up finishing from behind of the starting line. When everybody else came in from the front. Sigh. I looked at my Garmin. 9 hours 34min. Wahlauweh. Si beh jia lat. Way over the individual cut off time of 9 hours.
Of course, I bitched like hell to the organisers at the finishing tent. How could you not have marshalls or markers at those junctions??? You cannot assume all your contestants are singaporeans and know MacRitchie park like the back of their hands. Their only explanation??? That their markers have been sabotaged by other people. Then I told them to go back inside and rescue the other guy I left behind. Ironically they shoved the map in my face and asked me to show which grid that I left him. Helo? Are you guys retarded? If I understood your map, would I have gotten lost in the first place?????????????? And about 20mins later, he limped by. No one had rescued him. Great event management team this year I see.
Found Allan and Shine. Slumped myself down. Took off my shoes. And my feet looked like this.
But what is the most sickening thing out of ALL THIS? Mohan asked me so what was my distance coming out from the other route? I checked my Garmin. 49.92km. Then he said, go run another 80 meters and come back. WTF? Shit. I am short of 80 meters. Now I cannot claim I finished it because I am short of 80 meters. Bloody hell????? After all that internal fighting and pushing myself through pain, and in the end I am under distance? Bloody hell. Stupid. I felt like the biggest soh hai of all soh hai's in soh hai land. I mean come on? I couldn't make it in the 9 hours, fine. But now I can't even say with conviction that I finished 50km ultra trail simply because I'm short of 80 meters. WTF lah weih. Through no fault of my own. Sorry lah but at that point of time, I didn't feel like running around in circles like an idiot just to make it 50k. Skrew it. It is what it is.
And anyway, the organisers whom I bitched to, already said that they are still taking my timing into account. And they still gave me the medal anyway. By individual timing, I am completely skrewed. But teamwise, Dzul's 8 hour finish gives me that extra 1 hour allowance. Hopefully we will still be listed in the results.
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