Why did I even register for it in the first place?
Especially when I had just survived a bike crash in Laguna Phuket Triathlon and didn't get to start in Ironman 70.3 Phuket seven days later. But I did. I had just come back to KL. IMWA had just concluded (for 2011) and the burning desire to complete a damn Ironman (whether 70.3 or full 140.6) was so overwhelming. So I registered. Thinking I have a whole year to train for it. No worries.
Fast forward almost a year later now. And I'm still nowhere near ready. Why do I say this? Despite the confidence that I could possibly hack it, I still feel challenged in terms of timing. In all my races, I always just scrape through. I'm not fast. I have never been fast.
Or is it my damn bloody defiant ego. I want so badly to be able to pull this off within two years from when I first started. My first ever race was the 7.7km run in Feb 2010's PNM. By Dec the same year, I did my first full marathon. 6 months later, I had done 8 full marathons and attempted my first 100k ultra marathon. 6 months after that, I had completely dropped running races and concentrated on triathlons. I've done more triathlons than marathons and yet my swimbikerun timing still sucks. For the simple fact that I suck. Only with Steve's coaching that I finally fixed my catch and pull. And now I'm struggling to fix my bike timing.
We all have dreams right? To run the prestigious Boston marathon, to climb Mount Everest, to survive Badwater Ultramarathon, bla bla bla. None of those are mine, by the way. As I don't have a bucket list. I just make it up as I go along. Up till the past 2 years, I never knew what it was like to be able to run that far or swim and then bike and THEN run that far. I guess that's why I named my blog as Chasing Dreams. Someone said dreaming is free. He is right. But this is the one thing that gives me structure in life.
For once I KNOW what I really want. For once I know what I am capable of. For once I am living MY LIFE and not just rolling in the shadows, fulfilling what my family wants for me and just going through the cycle of life. I DON'T want to just get married, make babies, have a huge mortgage that will follow me to the grave and sitting around waiting for something to happen. I want it to happen. I'm going to make it happen.
Yes. I do wonder what the hell am I doing all this for? Particularly when I don't have anyone to be proud of me. It's not like I have a mum or dad to seek approval from. I do get envious when I see friend's and their families who are ever so supportive. I will never have that. So why do I want to do this for?
Because it is the one thing that makes me feel I am worth it. That life is worth living. Friends. I thank each one of you who are still here for me and have my back. I don't have many left. I know it's my fault. It's all too easy for me to just delete you and disappear. This is me. When I don't feel wanted anymore, I just pack up and disappear. I still feel all alone. But being accustomed to loneliness and the darkness is what gets me through all my 100k races alone. I will draw on this to make it through Ironman. 17 hours is a long day. But I've been out there for 34 hours 41mins. I know what is a realllllyyyyyyy long day. I still haven't figured out what God's plans are for me. But I know as long as I cling on to Him and to every single shred of hope, it will be worth it.
Life. Will be worth it.
Pink's latest song "Try"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTCDVfMz15M
Dreams will get you to the starting line. But it's only structure training, passion and determination that will get you to cross the Ironman finishing line.
ReplyDeleteThat's where I chip in. Stop dreaming, wake-up at 4am and start training. Now where is my whip? ha ha ha